hiding place

NINJA ME.

2010-09-19T02:10:00.000+08:00

COOL!

2010-09-07T00:22:00.003+08:00

(C)The Future Photo Museum (C)Free Game FREEM Supported by Free Online Game Matome

just for fun. i don't know why my 78 friends are doing this. but i decided to be insecure and join the trend. HAHA.
chieh became a kid and someone else became a sponge. i think i have got the brightest future. MUAHAHAHA

(C)The Future Photo Museum ไทย (C)Free Game FREEM Supported by Free Online Game Matome

my thai nickname means durian. so this is not surprising why I ended up as a filling. haha.

(C)未来照片館 (C)無料ゲーム屋ふりーむ Supported by 無料オンラインゲームまとめ

and I am a Chinese Lion. o.O
some more I am a Male Lion -_-||

Preceptorship II Week 5 - Check

2010-06-12T10:35:00.003+08:00

Before i knew it my attachment is already ending.
I think I learnt so much more in this attachment than all my modules added up together.
Although I learnt that I really am a learn-on-the-job kindda person, I also learnt my job next time is really one that I cannot make such mistakes.

I might be already 22, but self-discovery is still important for me to know how to navigate in this urban society. Perhaps it is like some says, self-discovery is a life-long process.
Perhaps, my efforts and hardwork in the past, is just like how I do my assignments... unguided, unplanned and therefore futile.

I'm giving the church meetings a miss this week, although it has been on since wed, thur, fri and sat... I only went for the thur one. But I think it is important to sit back and think carefully and re-evaluate my situation in the many aspects of my life.
I wish I had a mentor in my life... not just in work.
I used to have one, but it's been so long I guess I am on my own now.

I'm pretty glad I gotta come to SGH instead of NCC actually. Because indeed I can try out the life, and anticipate my ability to commit to other things during my pre-reg.
I never knew pre-reg-ers really just do what Pharmacists do on a daily basis... and it's kindda scary to think that in one year I'd have to be able to do all that calmly, confidently and accurately.

I'm inspired by the Pharmaciststs & their dedication to their work. but boggled by the opinions of many with regards to our 6 week stint.
Maybe I should really do without my inferiority complex of always thinking that others are better than me...but thinking that I am better than others is a pitfall I want to avoid.

I would have expected some classmates who are more excellent than me to have carried themselves in a better manner than I have seen (or mistakenly seen)... or maybe stress and difficulty really brings out the worst in Man. Or maybe it's only in such situations we see who people really are. This is just one whole saddening mess...

Despite everybody's complaints of the workload... including me. I think everybody complains out of a different attitude... and listening further does separate the good and not so good motives.
I'm glad I'm enjoying it and almost sure to join this workplace in about a year.

It's just depressing to see that people who are trying to help us are facing so much unwarranted hostility from us.

了结

2010-05-01T00:36:00.003+08:00

也许是真的吧。
也许我不应该这样－老是在心里头为我眼见的事找借口。
不知道为什么。
我誓言要放下的，似乎有重新评估重新审理。

决定放弃你的1月3日。
是我跟神之间的约定，是我在他的默许中的稳定。
也许这一切的安排就是如此，
是天父命名中保护照顾好他每一个儿女的方式。

如果真是如我眼所见的一样。
那我只能感叹我的神实在无所不知，无微不至的在照顾我们俩－不，应该说照顾你和我。
因为1月3日的那一天，
已经是我心里决定没有“我们”的可能了。

虽然留言棒上我只是沉默的旁观者，
却在24小时考试的期间，无缘无故地在场逗留了太久。回返得太频繁。
我一直等着有人对此事件做出反映，质疑...期待着有人代我问那个问题。
终于等到了。你却没有答复。

为什么，我是为你高兴，为那个无名人祝福，为自己庆幸，还是什么。我心中是莫名的平静。
是降服于上帝在我们彼此生命中的安排，但有丝丝的好奇，又有丝丝的盼望

我想真的真的不是真的，可是我这几个小时的反应...让我审查了自己到底放下了多少。
我庆幸，放下了还不少。(: 希望有朝一日能做真挚的朋友！

2010-03-17T00:41:00.001+08:00

check this out:
www.mysimplehappyness.blogspot.com
(:

那一个特别的妈

2010-03-13T00:31:00.002+08:00

不要因为我的特别而嫌弃我。
你起初对我的爱...再哪儿了。

我的心好痛。
如果你拥抱我，我冷漠的不回应...
你能不能够不要要求我的回应...能不能不要批评我的冷漠
能不能爱我，如同我真的有拥抱过你一样？

难道，人的爱...真的也只不过如此吗？
我的心真的痛了。
痛了好久了。

Body Worlds

2010-03-03T22:16:00.002+08:00

从去年2009 年至今日慢慢窒息在我的钱包里的这一张门票，终于得以重见天日了。
在无数的盼望到被多方拒绝之后，我终于独自一人去参展了。
我想，命名中自有安排...我想我一个人参展反而免去了不必要的压力。

虽然说大一的那一年已经见过赤裸裸的尸体，闻过腔鼻的福马林味，碰过这些软趴趴的五脏六腑，我今天还是忍着脚痛脚酸在展厅逗留了2小时。听着我mp3播放的赞美诗，迎面而来的第一个景观便是我们每一个人的起点。而耳边传来的则是这首：

祢创造宇宙万物，统管一切所有
祢却关心我的需要，了解我的感受
祢手扶撑天上云彩，打造永恒国度
但这双手却甘心为我，忍受彻骨钉伤苦痛

美丽小小的奇迹，在母腹里头发生。
奇怪的是，这些小小生命的死亡（从4weeks 到8 weeks的foetus) 这么样排列出来，才能使我们正活着的人，寿命比他们长，人生经验相比之下丰富多彩的我们，更珍惜，了解自己的来源。
其实我从小都相信科学，相信进化论。因为它很有道理，而创造论它，似乎没什么深度。
可我是在生活的mudane当中，看到耶稣的作为。才回去重新思考，重新询问进化论。
我想，microevolution 与 macroevolution 实在有极大的差别。而达尔文起初所观察的那Galapagos Islands 的状态，无非是microevolution的作为。而他从而影射世界万物也许是从类似的渠道而演变成的。他坦诚的说自己证据不足，所以还有待未来fossils的发现来支持他的hypothesis.
当然，他们还在寻找他们的missing link.而世界上有很多穷人也努力的在制造假fossils 来换取钱财。他们靠他们的想像力，参考买家的欲望打造了各式各样的"fossils". 真真假假，难以分辨。但我姑且相信的这位神，在我生命中做的事，却已经远远的超乎了我的expectations.

突然想到，小颖说她写什么cryptic entries that nobody bothers to read. I think 我写中文，已经够cryptic 了。没有人会读这么多的中文，包括我自己再内。

Anyway, let's get to the topic... i was rather fascinated that i got to see the curated samples being coloured. And even though every single sample was evidently very well prepared (in comparison to the pathology and anatomy lab in NUS!) Those that were not coloured literally paled in comparison to the colourful red muscles displayed. I stared and circled the Basketball Man many times, amazed at how the entire cadaver was able to keep its basketball-dribbling posture with no supporting structures. It was only standing on one feet, and through the specimen, at the other side, it was interesting to see a medical student walking round with the same expression I had when I saw it. "how is it standing" i guessed she was asking... because everybody walks slowly around the specimens to observe it, but at that moment, both of us did walk in a relatively higher speed around the specimen, only to find no strings, no supporting structures and just one feet stuck to the ground. a very strong glue indeed?

Anyway, most of the specimens are guys. And I finally found out what inguinal hernia is like. It's quite disturbing.... to think I named my Pet society pet after it!
Some, I think only 3 cadaevers I saw were female. And I must say the ladies were treated with pretty much respect & dignity. They were more than naked... were skinless, and yet, the exhibitors thought of such elegant names and postures for them. Like one of them was holding up two miniature bird cadaevers in each of her palms and lifting them up into the sky.... the exhibit was named something about 凤凰，phoenix or something. But it was really nice.
And the birds, along with the abodominal blood supply of the lady... were treated with this blood vessels corrossion technique or something. The blood supplies of the cadaever was impregnated with red pigmented plastic polymers, allowed to settle and then the entire tissue around them corroded to show only the blood vessels! So the "凤凰s" and the lady's abdomen were a starking bright red, whilst the rest of the lady was disected to show other stuff... i can't remember.

Oh, I felt that patho lab was such a spoiler! I saw a heart, so big, i immediately knew it was cardiac hypertrophy... and the carcinomas and the entire section on smoking and tar in the lungs.. that I just walked through without reading the small prints on the signs.
I guess I don't have the youthful enthusiasm about learning as much as I did just before I entered University. Some say that school ruins education. and I do think University did just that for me... the system and everything makes learning absolutely unfriendly for me.

I was really fascinated by the plasticised cadaevers of other animals though! There was a reindeer, a giraffe!!!, a giant squid and an octopus!! oh and a horse too!
Cool stuff.. the giraffe was really really tall. And it was a guy giraffe so it's reproductive organ just reminded me of that book Mrs Goh read to us in HC 4 years ago - "How Animals Do It" LOL.
Ya, the reproductive organ of the male giraffe is very long indeed. I actually remember my bio lessons... and not what the lecturer said yesterday.... hmm.

I guess I shan't let university drain me of my eager learning attitude. It's coming to an end... and I feel so drained. I must find back myself... the childish me inside curious about everything. (: I like to be so... because one of the themes of the exhibit was about ageing, gracefully... and about continuous learning and stuff. keeping our mind young. I shall find back myself...

My first half of this year is rather dedicated to much soul searching, after my self-destructive melacholy and depressing betrayals that has so broken me down in the past few years.
And about breaking the cycle of the grown up study getajob getmarried getold and die routine in Singapore... I have a fantastic business idea that just needs capital!
If somebody gives me the money to, probably I can start something totally new in Singapore, a family-oriented F&B service for people of my generation, my time and age, who are too busy & have to eat out... but want to DIY their food and eat healthy...
haha. IF i have the moeny... i can postpone my boring pharmacist career for a year or two to get this business going hahah. OH WELLS!

你知道吗？

2010-03-01T23:38:00.002+08:00

你知道吗？i want to change my blogskin since 2 years ago.
okay i just made that up but it has been really long ago. i wanted to change. i think in year 1 or year 2 i took this really nice pic and always wanted it to be my new blogskin backdrop. and I haven't even met with my designer to discuss about it!
*grabs phone and call now!*

oh okay just fix a date.
i feel good not procrastinating (2010 resolution #1)

你知道吗? i went to run 6.464km today (:
yayyness and i beat my very lousy 49minutes record of running 6.3km around pandan reserviour in 2004. (wow 6 years ago)
i beat it by um.. 1 minute

but anyways, i was so happy i wanted to post it on facebook but i realised that there are people who run ultra marathon in my social circle and i risk appearing to be a american couch potato kindda person. (:

bye bye i have a life!

2010-02-24T21:00:00.003+08:00

WOW

2010-02-21T15:10:00.000+08:00

taken from: http://mnmal.tumblr.com/post/386547566/i-felt-i-needed-to-repost-this

Really Sabbath!

2010-02-07T22:27:00.002+08:00

Yesterday... as i posted. was a hermit day.
and so i didn't sleep all night after that post... and proceeded to church.

Today i went to prayer meeting not because i was on duty.
Today I went to service with no stress.
and enjoyed it. almost every moment! the worship... the prayer.. and even baby sitting the good lil friend. who was very naughty today...

and for some reason, every time during communion day i am taking care of 小朋友... and haven't had it consecutively for some time already. so today i slipped in and did manage to partake in it. though a bit too rush for my comfort. I'm glad I could take care of the child, not feel irritated, teach him a few lil things, have a bit of fun, and still worship God in the midst of all.
Taking note that i haven't slept since 1pm yesterday... I would think today I have been just one step more in resting in the Lord.
It's wonderful... no more striving.. but things get done... but you are not tired out.

Like today. After service I finally found a khakia to eat with me can.
yah, everybody has a lunch buddy nowadays... and the people of my type don't exists in this part of the body of Christ.
I had a long and rare talk with my good sister. whose relationship i was honestly at wits' end for a long time. like being detached, not in touch... and somehow everytime we talk there was some kind of barrier.. :S

Subsequently... I was 30min late for the YN09 post trip meeting. which few turned up.. but was good. and then late for 30min for the CNY Reunion dinner (extended family).
Yupp.. but amidst all the rushing to and fro. from jurong to katong to tanah merah to Jookoon... everything was peaceful and unlike the old me.
I would be so frustrated, tired and thankful that the day is over. but now i have the strength to reflect, Thank God, and rest well :) physically...

I am lately reflecting on parenting methods. how the church i am in is rather paternalistic to me, because i have rebellious streak. and that they are of a different era... and i am wondering what kind of a 'parent' i am.... which i belive determines or shapes the way i will speak to people, like people who are struggling to understand God... because we are all children.. not fully understanding God's ways yet.
and so is a parent. Who learns parenting as a child grows.

fuzzy fuzzy standpoints and perspective. But i believe in experriential learning.

for one, i think singaporean parents (and any church leadership)...
need to acknowledge God's work as Sovereign in every person's life.. respecting them as individuals. and thus, not having a worrisome controlling tinge their actions.

yup. i believe parents and leadership tend to do so sometimes. but really... out of love.
nobody is perfect.
and i am merely forming & shaping opinions here. they may change over time as I desire myself to grow. do not judge me or misunderstand my heart... whoever is reading this (:

evey day a masterpiece

2010-02-07T02:32:00.003+08:00

Well, school work's really snowballing again nowadays.
As i look at my new year's resolutions set just a month ago, they are in danger of all failing away.

the busy-ness, hectic schedules. CNY reunions & societal needs for New clothes...
I think i'd buy heels this year..maybe a pretty flower skirt & a plain top :)
or something. where got time?!

my new year's resolution of running every day is now dwarfed by all the homework.
Just thursday I decided not to procrastinate (new year resolution #2).
and went running at s 11:30pm
4.8km timing's quite bad (36min) but i'm glad i did it.

I don't want weird diseases when i get older. esp with my super budget constrained diet... and 8h non-stop lectures on 3 out of 5 days this semester.
I'm already trying hard to run 3x a week already. yet now.. that monthly feminine affair has commenced, further dampening my fast disappearing momentum.
Aunty Ruby's a great encouragement. She's like running everyday even though it's late at night at the gym... paying for it. How can I been slack?!

I must not.
I must not let the incessant ridiculous monotonous meaningless routine of life steal away the remainder of my youth. whatever i have left of the prime of my life.
I have got to set out goals to achieve. that i may look back,, in my sixties and say "it was a crazy time... but i achieved something"
Something more than grades & career achievements. transient pursuits in the rat race... pointless paper chases and materialistic pursuits.

I am going to make every day a masterpiece. Because I'm not getting any younger.
There simply isn't much time left!

Other than that, I really thank God for all that He has done since I left the juveniles.
The cell group that didn't exist when I left them, and the uncertainty was really no uncertainty at all... I'm glad I trusted in Him. and ended up in this cell group.

For a while I really doubted if I could even hear God anymore... was I too screwed up, too messed up, too evil, too lousy etc etc.. to ever hear Him speak again.
Friday's cell was great. Great seeing that everybody was so excited talking about missions & wanting to grow in the Lord together. (: crazy and impossible plans we didn't know where to start.... like what going to Kazakhstan for mission trip end of this year...(don't take this seriously... we were randomly brainstorming)
Coincidentally, or not, I was also thinking of setting up a medical mission in church that morning (like it was a totally random & impossibly funny thought). Yet, someone else brought it up during cell which got everybody excited~

Today i gave myself a break from the morning alarm. I slept till 1:30pm since I slept at 3:30am on Friday morning... and then I proceeded to study until now...
Bonjour pandan bread saved my growling stomach and my trusty tie guan yin tea leaves are great comfort!
I was doing thai 2 homework so happily for like 3h which felt like 1.5h. and I wanted to check if it was 11pm yet cos I was just destressing by doing Thai. I have like crazy test on Tues..
Yet I realised it was 1:30am!!!! *yikes*

Caffeine in tea leaves keeping my sympathetic nervous system stimulated.
Going on to memorise Asthma Medication Regiment.

love you. whoever is reading this :)

2252h 300110

2010-01-31T19:06:00.002+08:00

*waits at the taxi stand*
after a long tired day, and not having been home for 36h, carrying a large guitar on my shoulders, a stuffed to the brim crumpler, and bags of clothes from sleepovers at my friend's place...

the taxis were not coming because it was 2230h.
and the queue was full of disgruntled people...
the lady behind in hot skirts on the phone with about ten bags of things on the floor behind her...
the other conference staff workers with boxes of items to bring back to their church....
the young man beside me whom i offered to send home since we were both westerners in eastern singapore....

2 taxis till our turn... and I prayed in my heart for 3 to come.

no nothing happened.

after being so weighed down by my belongings...
and having random talks with the conference staff members. not a single taxi came... all had red signs that zoomed past the road just parallel to our slip road where the taxi stand was...
everyone was dead beat after a 2pm-9pm conference.

i said outloud 'i hope that 3 "hired" taxis come in right here and the passenger alights!'
because sometimes "for hire" taxis miss this ulu spot and drive past the slip road...

shortly... almost immediately 2 actually did.
wee~ must be our turn next!

yet my prayer answered only seemed to met the needs of others.
for the next one.... we waited a long wait again.

2 red sign taxis came in.... "ON CALL"
sian 0.5

and we waited and waited.
until I was so tired... seeing the clock ticking towards 2300h. which i knew then we would have to call a cab too ... because many would wanna earn the midngiht surcharge. and would probably choose not to pick passengers at this time anymore...

i said out loud again "God give us a cab before 2300h pleaseee."
becuase $3 booking fee plus $20++ cab fare plus nets extra $0.30 is a major sian factor.

we waited and waited.
and yes... a "HIRED" redsign drove into the slip road and the person alighted.
a taxi with nets - at 2252h

New Alphabet

2010-01-13T11:36:00.004+08:00

with no curves of any kind, New Alphabet is an uncompromising Dutch font designed in 1967.
based on early computer screens it is strictly limited to horizontal and vertical strokes.
It exceptionally striking while being almost totally illegible
If you are a statement maker and when that statement makes perfect sense to you, it is immaterial if it makes no sense to anyone else.

gladly unbending. gladly dinosauric.
rational.assertive.progressive.discipline.
from ying's blog

2010-01-04T19:42:00.002+08:00

终于了了。知道了，不是你。
才归来24小时。就恢复了懒散的个性。
我睡了13个小时。看了宫心计4个小时...

忘了我离开时，留下的一大堆要收拾的东西。现在就有如雪球一般...越滚越大。
it's time to start cracking.
stop planning and start penning things down.

running 10k in 5 months.
of all that i learnt in this trip. the most precious that i think i can directly carry on in my life is probably reflections everyday.
probably i will see more blog posts.
probably i will start a physical private journal.
probably i will have someone to share my thoughts with... probably not.
but anyhow, reflecting really helps me stay on focus. or find out what is it tugging at me making me feel uneasy...

2009-12-19T23:51:00.002+08:00

wow. maybe this comes with age.
but i really already am missing my home and room and stuff.
perhaps as we grow older. we get more comfortable with the discomforts of this world. being more blinded and even enjoying these imperfections.

long gone are the hopes and adventures and dreams.
and perhaps greater the craving for stability.

离开起点，却又回到原始. is there any irony greater than this.

somehow the people i miss are less.
but knowing that i miss them much more.
but some how to be always with these people i can't always be me. :(

Hope something wakes up my idea.
i don't even know what exactly is wrong with me in this year.
只有心中隐隐作痛的伤口，溃烂的伤疤，还有永远于事无补的胶布。

2009-12-08T15:40:00.002+08:00

i hate you menstrual cramps.
go away. i need to go out for tuition and gatherings! UGHHH.
i hate you hypoxic cramps.
you lousy milo, never help at all. RAHHH.
you only caused diarrhoea. BLAHHHH.

2009-12-07T00:26:00.003+08:00

oh well, another lazy day.
a totally lazy weekend with the cold temperatures and faulty street lamps.
i just went out to get my grumbling stomach some hot soup in this cold weather, and it felt like i was in China somehow, with the sounds of cars zooming past in the dark winding street, the lamps were out.

i returned home, all alone, watching UP on my mac.
i imagined, if there would be someone with me through this all... walking down the empty streets in the tranquility and watching an animation on adventure, against a background of death and aging.
i wish, then, that we would die together. and save each other any sorrow of solitude.

packing my room again tomorrow. i wonder why i never could finish. probably because i never could bear to throw some thing away.
and probably because of the same reason, i'd never be able to straighten out all the thoughts that has been going on in me these past two years of ^&$#^%#@*-ness.

i hope i'd get to know if it is you soon.

2009-11-08T23:41:00.004+08:00

应该正在读书。可是我真的有点放弃了。
好像都读不完。怎么办。9 chapters only finish 4. the rest just anyhow read. but its not like arts. its a memory thing.

但。不论如何。我心中老挂念着今天的早餐。
感谢，也感伤。

感谢世上还有人没有放弃连我也都放弃了的自己。
感伤我心中无法完全信任这同样的一个人。

我想，我一直以来都从别人的眼中来看自己。
对的方式我还没有摸透。
我想，我一定是一个很糟糕的自己。

人情世故我是不晓，越想越想不通。
我唯一解脱的方式就是承认一切都是我的错。
不是抱怨地大发雷霆说是我的错。
是说服自己，别人是美丽的自己是丑陋的。

因为别人的心，我似乎从没摸透过。
因为别人的行为，不代表他们的动机。
因为我总被我认为不会伤害我的人出卖。
因为我就是不会看人。

所以，我没有资格评价谁与谁的过错。
也没有intellectual capability 来分析这一切复杂的事。

但是无形中，思考的时候，只看见了自己的丑陋与赤裸。
看见自己也许错了也不晓得。
虽然摸不透，但是不能排除我是社会败类，周围的人的包袱、拖累的可能性。
edited:
post 完了才发现。
很多很多年的今天。是我初恋的开始。
是我伤害他人的起点。
是我尝试做个好人，却才讶异的发现我成事不足败事有余的能力

不要强人所难。谢谢。

2009-11-02T02:53:00.003+08:00

我真的不想为我的自卫道歉。
也许，我不应该说‘这世界没有为我辩护的人’，但我心中的某处还正在寻找他的真实。
伸冤的，他可能会厌倦我了吧？

如果，她是他呢？
那我可能就没救了。

挑衅的举动，不反击就是成熟吗？
那反应激烈就是我的幼稚嘛？
是这样吗？为什么？

我不是好欺负的。请你别得寸进尺。
站得稳立场才是强者的风范...我不是强者。只不过不想永远懦弱，成为攻击的对象。
对不起，我得自卫。
自卫无罪。

Good People and Bad People

2009-10-27T21:40:00.004+08:00

I am now packing my room and scheduling all the things I need to do until exams.
Which then leaves me 20 days to prepare for my trip. And that's perhaps the whole of my year.
I'd be back in January. :)

I found this old notepad that my Dad found in his car sometime ago.
This was the notepad I doodled on when I was 6 - 8 years old on my father's lorry.
When I followed him as he sent my mother to work, brought me to his factory, my grand parent's place....
and I wrote:

Good People and Bad People
Good people are harmless, but bad people are harmful. So we must be very careful when the bad people are out at work.

My handwriting was so big and nice that the above sentence took up one whole page.
I remembered it was meant to be an ESSAY. And I think it's still very insightful for a 7 year old to have written that. :)

And I wrote: "I want a Sticker Factory"
you know, last time it was cool to collect stickers
and there was this toy that made stickers out of any paper you roll into the machine.
COOL RIGHT. i never got it.

Check this one out:

What are Traffic Lights for and atactauly what are they?
Traffic lights are atcally like traffic policemen. They controls the traffic. They are to tell us when tot go and when to stop the car. THey are very improtant to us.

The spelling errors explains my poor english grades last time.

2009-10-26T01:12:00.003+08:00

in the middle of the night. still having only gone through half of the pathology test topics that is tested tomorrow.
i still haven't done my term essay due tomorrow.
haven't done my bibliography.
haven't done loads of stuff.

but oh well. here's the time to blog.
about things unrelated to those above. haha.

i don't know why but lately I have been once again confused about my previous stance on this never-ending issue. for the past weeks i have softened my stance, and yet i have managed to question myself today again.... why did i change my opinion.
i guess sometimes the peace of God just brings you step by step and you follow through it slowly. gingerly. terrified and excited, butterflies in your stomach all at the same time.
then i ask myself. if it doesn't lead to the end that is to be, then why start in the first place.

anyways, probably. it's not so impossible between us after all.
anyways, probably. i'd ditch this idea in due time.

Thank God for it all

2009-10-01T21:10:00.002+08:00

yeah, thank GOD for it all.. up to this day.

Well, loads have happened since my last update.. and today I have a little bit of time on my hand so I could update my blog :)

my simple happyness

Well,as Clara Fu had said while I was constipated paddling in the sea... My 21st celebration is self-torture. Friday cell group had a humongous Bakerzin Cake for me, truly the largest I had in yearrrs. it was good although I brought half the cake home.
Then Monday I went cycling from ECP to Bedok Reservoir to climb trees. and my birthday cake got thrased by the sudden downpour. So I didn't have to eat cake again. but we stuck a candle and sang the song anyway. :)
Tuesday went canoeing with Joycelyn and Clara. so wonderful. although I screwed up by forgetting my 2 star cert and the super heavy rain. wanted to go round ubin kayak but only got to paddle from changi to pasir ris beach (read: HIGH MICROBIAL LEVELS FROM LEAKING SEWAGE PIPES)

MAF2009!
super screwed! the light ups that is! but we had fun dancing wild wild west and set on you (:
Bernardos I miss you! :) I can't get over the fact that I missed dancing set on you with him last year, just to see a not nice eye candy of GREEN EVIL PIXIE!:(
anyway, this year I think they secretly want to poison us with CO gas.
It was great having my birthday cake and singing the song at the 78 class bench, going to the READING ROOM to see the vandal we did in 23.11.2006 still there..and talking to Mrs Cheng and playing with Samuel - Mrs Koh's new son. okay not so new - like 1.5 years old.

and we went to Ying's house to eat a lot of nice food and do what 78ers are good at doing! MUGGG together. BOOMz Ris Low is entertainingly STUPID.

ACADEMIA
Everything is so tiring with school. with tests.
and always trying so hard and falling short so much.
thank God anyway for great E learning week where I shall be deep in my books and hibernate in them. I will work hard and one day I will 出人头地! just like the times I mug my ass off in HC and suddenly got my name in the top 30s for bio! :)

Thank God even for the Provider He has always been.
my Bank Account has been dwindling at an exponential rate as I signed up for an OCIP
and a Photography class.
and my tuition kid MIA. so I practically have expenses > income for quite some time now.
but lately he gave me a 2 week assignment with relatively good pay, one bus stop away from NUS and pays almost the amount I need to pay for my OCIP.

and my pierced ears refused to heal.
it closes up like super fast.
yesterday as I woke up in th emonring, my earrings fell off (the one that 78 bought for me, I had put them on the previous night) and I went for lecture, in a hurry without earrings. 2.5h after that, I returned home and my ear holes were closed totally. wa lao. i poke like 1.5h with painful endurance and finally got them back in :(
I think they are gonna stay for the next month again.

I'm now lazing in my couch watching the Perfect Storm. :)
thank God for E learning week. I need to work on my discipline! :)
LOYAL ENDURANCE

mugging @ Changi Airport alone now

2009-09-12T00:06:00.002+08:00

and you know, i came online to lament on many a selfish things...
i am all alone here, trying to study and having to go for so many things that people say are important. you know, i sometimes wonder what is the most important.
but anyhow, i am here to mug for the night till 9am to go for instrumentalist training, after that probably go home and sleep, 6pm go and send the darling 78 boys offf...
early in the morning go for church. and like working and like a tumour. cos i am supposed to be off duty and somebody presented a request to swap duties...

today cell group we were talking about continual service - about serving the body of Christ continually but not without break. and part of continual service is being able to be served by people, being sure that during service if something screws up to the max, be sure that the people on duty are handling it. freak. you know our service you are off service and you still have to run and go and help out if some funny guy screws up...or the guitarist doesn't have the chords, or the projectionist is like doing behind the screen stuff forgetting to off the projection so the whole church is watching him copy and paste things in different ppt slides.
i immediately said out loud "that's not possible in chinese ministry" you know you freaking get jumped at that things are not perfect. and so off duty you have paranoid inclinations of what is not aligned, justified, correct font... and i hate the "we younger ones just have to serve cos the old folks can't" are we making too much excuses and putting too much a burden on the young?! The bible says that even the young man grows weary okay... it is ridiculous to be scheduled on so many duties like that is your "divine appointment" and therefore you should "have the grace to do what is required".

I do think, I need to step down from the roles that i have been pushed up to stand and take responisbility for. The lack of manpower does not justify the positioning of people on unfitting roles to their destruction. Neither do I see the need for a bassist when there aren't enough gutiarist. I wonder if we are too eager and trying too hard on our own strength to fulfill what we envision to be a better Church.

so you see, it's all selfish thoughts and of course, my usual (probably maglinity) of my mind that some people just don't care enough for me. oh yah, i am so self-centered.

but it was great that i just read this blog of a senior who is working at a hospital now. that we should upgrade ourselves for the benefit of the patients that we can serve.
she was recounting that she had a hearing impaired patient who refused her asthma medication because they cost 18bucks and she only had a handful of coins. she literally just held out her coins and showed the pharmacist, shook her head and walked off. Oh my tian, like her condition is not under control sia. she can go breathless and die. and yet she could not sufficiently convince or communicate well with the auntie and she was about to leave the polyclinic doors sadly!!! and heng her senior came over and jumped to Sign language.... referring the lady to a medical social worker. Thank God for such social workers. So heart-wrenching... I wish I had all the money in the world to pay for all the sick and poor people's medications. so juvenile.. but that would really be wonderful.
If i had a rich husband, I'd write on the marriage cert to have allowance for me every month to randomly give money to whomever I find to be in need.

I love the needy, I think of them I want to hug them..
but out of that, I am another person... I am my own world.
I am a walking irony, and living contradiction, a confused being on this crappy planet.

the thick skin note

2009-09-09T14:25:00.002+08:00

as the title suggests, i am here to suggest,
if anyone is considering buying my a 21st birthday present.

I guess I'd do this once in my life only. Because as you age, collagen production decreases as and your skin thins and wrinkles and you can't do such things anymore.

If you never considered buying me a present, a simple birthday wish is just as good :)

SO here goes:

What NOT to get: soft toys and overly flowery things or dresses. don't even try.

What you can consider getting:

-hairdryer, small and sleek, for secret reasons

-a crumpler bag green or yellow or orange, able-to-fit-a-macbook-in-snugly size

-converse sneakers brown or white or mildly pink or yellow or something i guess.

- something to hook to the side of my bed to prevent my feet from flying off the ground when i do sit ups.
not the kind that attaches to the door, cos I AM VERY TALL there isn't space in my room to do sit ups at my door.

- and so maybe exercise mats are good too.

- my camera batteries are weird, they charge weird and are exhausted within a few shots...I am using a Fujifilm Z5 camera. The original battery says its a NP-40 Model 3.6V 750mAh whatever that means. i only need like a couple of them. i don't eat batteries to do homework.

- i just pierced my ears so you can buy me nice ear studs, I don't fancy danglies too much, i like stars and hands and feet and not too kiddish stuff.

- shock resistant watch, although i am a very gentle person somehow non-shock resistant watches don't like me and quit whenever i try to clap my hands. which i do at least every week on sundays. ha.

- you can get me the collagen eye patch from faceshop cos CAs are coming and there are many late nights to convert me from Singaporean to China Panda. or skin food face masks
BUT NOT ANYTHING WHITENING. or aging or anti-wrinkle.

if you have any rich eligible bachelors with helicopters, villas and yachts or cruise ships to their name, you can intro to me and i will be able to buy you all the above list of things for the rest of your lives.

you see i am a very practical person, so you can always find people to share the ridiculously pricey things in the list, if you want.

2009-09-06T22:37:00.002+08:00

you know, there's no point murmuring how church is boggling you down with everything and having no social life in your heart.
because instead, you could be bogged down by loads of social activity with no productivity at all.

oh well, i just came back from 21st birthday party. a surprise party. and I am not as good buddies with the birthday girl than her clique in secondary school... yet i find myself going there.
don't have me mistaken... i had fun. i enjoyed myself.
just that i have a unfinished revision for tmr's CA.

don't have me mistaken. I am not talking about anyone else but myself.

I guess in the end, God really does gives us the desires of our hearts.
and perhaps its just a stage where I go through and have to show myself that social life is not the most that I want out of life and there is something I would be willing to give up these less-than-eternal relationships for.
but without trying, I don't think I will take it lying down. I never took for granted or accepted any physics or mathematical formulas presented to me in school.
sometimes I have the determination to derive them out.
sometimes I only have the curiousity and patience to try figuring them out.

and perhaps after this large roundabout walk in the wilderness, I will conclude that what I was told initially was all right.
but i still want to find it out for myself. because only then i believe i can have all that conviction and preach and share it will all that is within me. perhaps. perhaps.
but i certainly not wish that all these would take too long. it's been taking almost one year already. but surely i want to recuperate the right way and clear all the backlogs.

only then can i walk in a less handicapped way

2009-08-29T00:26:00.002+08:00

omg. time traveller's wife is a movie.
I still wan watch UP. Wonder if its still around.
looks like I can't catch it soon.

tmr i have to go and entertain old people at tiong bahru.
i hope i make some old people happy tmr and don't counsel them wrongly.
I am actually quite excited to go practice in Hokkien :P

jonathan's party's tmr anw... should be quite fun (: heh...
my good friend is getting older and therefore more like a naughty boy..
dear oh dear. boys are always boys. all girls are angels. HA.

I'm glad God answered my prayers for a cell.
what seemed like an impossible wishful thinking actually came to pass!
Pretty glad that after this 寻寻觅觅ness I am more-or-less settled down somewhere.

sleep beauty sleep

2009-08-23T19:36:00.004+08:00

rushed home after service to get my beauty sleep and reached home at a record 2pm :)
speedily washed by feet and hands and concussed on my lovely bed.

好久好久没有那么安稳的睡了。仿佛睡了半个世纪似的，其实不就5个小时。
从前，假期的6个星期，睡了过头的10几个小时都无法与这5个钟头来得过瘾。

这难道就是老一辈所说的、传说中的，好睡眠吗？
如果每一天睡的都是这种觉，我想我应该很少会赖床。因为睡醒是没有困倦的。呵呵。
我竟然睡觉睡出道理来了。

我真爱睡觉。
今天睡得太爽了。
okay, 好幼稚好无聊。

now i'm going to have a simple fare of instant noodles and mayonnaise.
tomorrow I am missing a lot of lectures to go and check my gastrointestinal tract.

perhaps, we are to live in comfort by coming to terms that we cannot comprehend all things. or rather, we can only comprehend very little.

mid week break

2009-08-18T16:23:00.004+08:00

I guess I thrive on a break now and then nowadays.
perhaps after my decision that I am not a robot.
which is a very true reflection of myself.
but some times i wonder if man could be more diligent and if this is the lazy nature of me talking out loud.

but anyway, i have been late for my pharmaco lectures ever since last semester. and this semester is no exception. at least for the past 1 week. who ask it to be 8am. okay, excuses.

tomorrow is no school day. and today ended at 4pm :)
(thats very early cos mondays are 8am to 8pm with only 2h lunch break)
It will be a nice alone time with myself and God. and the academic work that has piled up.
1001 chapters to read, a project to complete, forum discussions to read all by this week. or rahter by tmr. because thats my only free day.
but i enjoy it. cos today is hardly over and i still have tomorrow.

I guess I have been re-evaluating myself and seeing myself in a new light after so much depression, wallowing in self-pity, and so immersed with myself.
yup, ying... it's about myself, me and I, just like you blogged.
ha, but I guess it's a neccessary obsession once in a while. I realised I have changed.

I now pefer to take a laid back, slow and steady approach to walk to long road.
I believe.. after searching myself... that though I feel that I have failed and am inadequate by evident circumstance and situations, I am made for something greater than this.

and what I have gone through. and have not fully come out of, is nothing but training for the future.
however, my arms and legs are still feeble after being a lame lump of fat throughout the holidays. spiritually and physically. so I am standing up now. but feeling weird standing. I havne't garnered sufficient momentum to take steps.
standing up is good enough for now. and when I am tired standing. days like tmr would be great for me to sit down and rest. till I am used to standing, will I try to walk, and then run.

now it's time to do things the right way.
the relying-on-God way.
the way that lasts forever.

anyway, my elective - film and history - is quite cool cos we watch movies and write reports and have no final exams. (: i naturally think quite a lot when i watch movies anyway.. so i usually bust the word limit. i wonder if there's quality in my thoughts though.

2009-08-17T00:49:00.002+08:00

probably picking myself up again.
probably still wanting to relieve myself of many things i don't think i am up to. like changwu team leader. *rolls eyes*

glad that this semester is relatively simpler.
because I have only one tuition, and a lot less money.
but also more time and less responsibilites.

i was happy to have cancelled more than half of the list of "roles & responsibilites" that i wrote out last semester. which was the reason for my meltdown.
not gonna embark on another adventure for some time.

not gonna put on another hat.
not gonna be someone else.

i have at least 3 roles/responsibilities that i am irresponsibly neglecting now though.
and i am not gonna say "whatever"
but i am not gonna say "i am on it" either.

being neutral, i guess, is an improvement from being negative.

oh wells, just went to secondary school gathering-like birthday party.
was nice to see everyone and talk about random things again.
its just funny that my bestest buds in sec4 aren't the frequent-est sec4 classmates i meet up with.
and i saw jerry after ages. and of course the other random guys.

now everyone is flying already.
the boys that is.
Cambridge and London. they speak of a foreign land like we talk about our neighbourhood.
one day, perhaps. i want to go overseas to get my PharmD also.
but I'm not that fantastic a student, not that rich a girl.

I'm pretty glad I am now rather excluded from that Y word.
and am glad that I have been excluded at some special luncheon.
was pretty reluctant to eat with the peeps except cos of my mother & mehmeh. was so tempted to leave with aunty ruby when i saw her walk by.
after all, the most i hear from mum lately has been "goodbye". haven't spent any quality time except hearing her stories of her and her boyfriend. oh wells. i guess all girlfriends are so. how different is she from others? or she's so busy she's looking at my face at one second, and the next, before I respond... she's off somewhere else. nothing i do matters. or she thinks i'm just unimportant enough to pay attention to.

i miss having no agenda and hanging out.
wen and mum seems to be machines running on automated mode. forever far and away.
or they have to make so much effort just to be nice. not natural anymore.
i totally hate it.

and though i am glad ma is here for my special day.
she totally forgot what i had told her months ago. about how i wanted to celebrate it.

i am very ugh-ed.

Happy birthday 78 & singapore!

2009-08-09T00:22:00.003+08:00

New York New York!
it has nothing to do with singapore. nor 78. nor wenqi.
but we went there to celebrate them anyway.

i was not very wise to know that andy's "not enough, not full" = super boating and filling.
so i was super bloated and my 3 month old imaginary foetus swelled to 5 months old size.
i hope after school starts all the stress and exercise would abort my foetus and revive my abdomen to its glorious days.

quite happy to meet up and catch up with the 78ers.
we met at around 7-8pm although we were supposed to gather at 6pm.
that's 78!
and we had 7-8 people (actually 11 after the latecommers appeared).

and delin's 12:34:56pm on 7th August 2009 is super funny.
1234:56h on 070809
and we sneaked to buy wenqi a cake as well as the red shirt i need for tmr's combined meeting. I wonder why I thought I always had a red shirt. LOL.

huiwen was drunk.
yingying went to canada with kangaroos.
and somebody else is on honey moon.

Greed?

2009-08-04T19:38:00.002+08:00

I just swinged down to NUS to grab my new netbook today.
am I too greedy?
now I have 3 computer screens staring at me in the space of my little room.

I have desktop PC. which is like 5 years old, self-assembled...
I have a Macbook. which is like 2 years old...
and now a Toshiba Netbook NB200.

I went home I realised I haven't been myself.
I usually check out the model and just go online to check out reviews.. to ask around how the laptop is.. but I didn't and when I did realise it. I quickly went online to check. OK, it's generally good. but just that it sucks at typing. which I immediately did realised when I saw it...
pity the Fujitsu has funny software that is not Microsoft Office. If not I would buy the fujitsu one for the keyboard is easier to type with. and which is the primary thing I think I would be using my netbook for.
I surely can't play typing maniac with my netbook until I develop a bond with it.
I hope my Macbook skills will not deterioate after that.

It's been eons since I went thorugh all that install drivers and rubbish start up, restart, wait for booting and things like that on a PC.
I only remember the WOW factor that I could open up my Macbook and start using it and playing with the functions in 2007.
now my stupid netbook is silly and starting up itself. in its own world, and refuses to talk to me. talk about an anti-social computer!
after I was glad it responded.. it went on the intsall norton antivirus and stuff again. yawns yawns.

went to ION orchard. and found the rumoured "cheaper stalls" area.
but didn't buy anything except for pretzels and nutritea barley cos everythign was so ex.
not to mention that the crumpler shop had such a small range of bags..
and that the ear piercing shop at wisma was ridiculously priced. I thought I could really go and peirce my ears today already. since talking about it since last year! what's with the real diamonds on the studds. do I need them?
my rich husband will get me bigger ones in future. Rah.

my netbook just restarted AGAIN. for the like 1080953088r098th time!!
anyways, its pink..
and yes.. I am a girl :)

一个人的生活

2009-08-02T19:33:00.002+08:00

今天庆幸能与两位大号人物共进午餐。
虽然三人已疲惫不堪，虽然说话时不时被周遭的事物打断、淹没。
但是还是在平凡中安享了午后时光。

拒绝了音乐会，也拒绝了烧烤会的邀请，
我独自一人在困倦之中选择了到邻里的购物商场兜个圈儿。
就这么兜一兜，买了老牵挂在心上的一些开学必需品。

又要成为个学生了。
这12周，过的十分仓促...但其中的几个目标也算达成了。
前6周的休息，有满足有失望。
后6周的工作，有学习有劳累。

最失望的是我前6周的主要目的完全没有达成。
最满足的是我前6周真的是睡够本man!
学习到了许多课本学不到的知识，吸取了不少宝贵经验。
但是却苦了我的双脚。
它们俩今天已经能穿上我平时觉得太formal太不舒服的那双鞋，走遍整个购物商场。
当然，没有比工作穿的那双鞋痛苦。
也更没有高根鞋来得折磨人。

我爱，今天的平静。
无声无息中，把今日该完成之事顺利的完成。

2009-07-25T14:11:00.002+08:00

i guess the working life is as such:
saturdays are lovely.
sleeping in late is just paradise.

today's mission is to pack my forever messy room.
which reflects my current state of ~~mind~~ heart

and also to gear up for the coming semester. the hell sem.
back-to-school wishilst:
1. converse sneakers
2. crumpler bag
3. new light laptop that runs on xp? matric fair next week! :)
4. clothes :) i'm sick of T-shirts & jeans finally.
5. new spectacles?
6. Mac's Airport extreme to connect my printer wirelessly to my macbook in my room.
so that I won't have to forever set up my printer when I need it since there is no table space for my printer at all.

my room has only got my new cupboard. I still need a new bed frame to increase my storage space. but as for now, I shall pack my new cupboard and tables today. so that I will be able to fit my bed frame in when I find it, wihtout a hassle. because it'd probably be during the hell sem that I find it.

cell group last night was incredible.
incredible that God spoke and keeps speaking to me through all the Sunday sermons and cell groups I went.
不知为何出门那一刻，心中莫名的涌出了一丝快乐、兴奋。
之前觉得不适合的小组，顿时使我感觉十分自在。
even more confused now, to which cg I will end up, that God will delight.

the end of all things is the happiness of God, not the happiness of man.
原来, 他也有他的 simple happiness.

2009-07-22T20:08:00.003+08:00

好久好久没有这样...坐在大商场的中央，看着人群走过...安静地听着这周日要弹奏的新歌。
歌曲不间断地重复播放，心中的困扰也不间断扰乱自己的思绪。

今天是好姐妹的生日。
生日快乐。

今天，难得有一天能从偏僻的西方到市区。可人，还是一个。
选择了告别萍水相逢的同学、撇下独来独往的老板...自各儿在人群中自立我独处的虚拟空间。

我想，我心中如今只有失望。
失望弟兄姐妹之间淡薄的感情，失望我的生命中没有一个愿意真正付出的人。
很忙。ok fine.
我住很远 whatever.
我想，这些发霉的理由，借口，不管多真实、多valid, 用久了还是会造成伤害。

千方百计，就想要自己生命中最重要的人来到我的一片小天地，却得花尽九牛二虎之力而仍旧无能为力。
证明了什么？
"oh, 你只不过是不成熟" 是一个绝对垃圾的理由。

难道老夫老妻就不需要彼此表达爱意么？
那好朋友好搭档，就不需要保持关系么？

我们的国度不只是新朋友需要时间与肯定，对国度中的用久居民也更要有福利优待。

纳税与津贴要相称。

服侍与爱是要并肩。

somethings are not accomplished by mere words.
you should briefly say but boldly do it.
if you don't do it but only speak of idealistic things of the future... you are getting no where.

ESCAPE

2009-07-19T23:13:00.002+08:00

omg. this is like the most successful birthday celebration since I don't know when.
it's like the funnest and the most comfortable and happiest one :)

although its not my birthday, but I still got to enjoy it with the dearest dearest sisters in my life forever. :)
we went to escape theme park and I was so reminded of ang chieh! the other time I was with her, just the 2 of us, on the viking... on a early saturday morning. and I was like screaming beyond myself, to the point that I could only vibrate about a fixed position. and she was like totally enjoying it. we obviously sat at one end of the viking...and I rmb I started screaming when nobody (if they were on it) would have felt it being scary.

age makes you cowardly.

or maybe not. Meiyi was commenting about the scenery when I was sitting with her -.-
I was much better this time because I obviously refused to sit the higher ends of the viking.

then we blind folded her, and had a very interstingly co-operative taxi uncle that kept trying ways to help us not to reveal the location of our dinner. we promised to split the ransom with him, because we were like kidnappers. LOL.
ended up we went to PINCH OF SALT cafe @ tanjong katong road. it totally rocks.
the staff was great, the food was excellent, and they played the happy birthday song while Ren Wen came in. haha.. I love that place!
We were so full and satisfied after a rushed lunch and a whole tired day. but very fun.
it almost didn't feel like a normal sunday.

which is quite sad. last time sundays were to me the happiest day of the week.
now its only happy when I am off-duty and get to sit alone in my own world during service, with only God the Holy Spirit talking to me. and after that everybody would still be on duty and so I will just go back to the cheaper westerlies for my lunch alone :/

if only every sunday was filled with friends, fun, laughter & quality fellowship.
instead of outreach for the plain sake of it.

my throat feels sore now from screaming.
my heart feels happy now from the outing.

new changwu team?

2009-07-18T22:26:00.002+08:00

have you ever tried your best to help someone,
and sacrificed saliva, time, heart & soul...
and in the end,
realised what you did for that person...

he/ she perceives it to be detrimental, and uses it as a reason for his current demise or downfall?

because it's not worth it anymore,
i'd probably not stop a person from killing himself if he wants to.
自生自灭吧，地球人。

I'm doing what I think is right, what I know to be right.
but I am not enforcing it on others.
because while you think you are doing that person a favour, you probably are ruining him forever.

because its worth it

2009-07-15T01:02:00.002+08:00

because delivery costs $50 at ikea
its worth it to have to open up all the car doors of my dad's taxi,
take up 2 parking lots of space,
spend 30minutes manouvering the 200cm++ long wardrobe into the taxi,
and get scolded my angmohs who wanted our parking space,
then drive off at 60km/h all the way home to prevent the glass door from cracking due to excessive vibrations

because the assembly price cost is ridiculous, and pretending to be a carpenter like Jesus was is enjoyable,
its worth it to spend 3hours assembling just the exterior frame only.

by the way, the angmoh was supposed by GARMENT to be from a GRACIOUS society.
and he horned damn loud. i said sorry we obviously are unable to close our car door... and so we can't give way yet.
the he sped up deliberately and screeched to a halt right in front of my dad's cab so that we would be unable to move out when we are done.
so my dad and i were panting and aching and trying our best to get out of the way ASAP. and there were a million and one other parking lots available at IKEA, on MONDAY NIGHT for goodness sake. but he insisted.

anyhows, my dad is a really good driver, he used to drive brand new cars shipped from overseas, from cargo ships.. and the cars were all spaced by centimeters apart. and he never crashed anyone of them.
so obviously we had no problem manouvering around the stupid angmoh's vehicle and went off happily.

so much for gracisou society!
its the locals not the angmohs that donate when i did flag day in secondary school anyway.
i was so taken aback cos i thought they were the most courteous ppl on earth. thanks to PAP.
they just like to make singaporeans look worse than we actually are.. on the relative global scale.

:)

2009-07-12T00:31:00.004+08:00

contrary to popular belief, i actually do watch dramas...
because my enthusiasm for documentaries has been quenched by the never-ending stream of low quality films on Nat Geo and Animal Planet.

I just finished my HK drama, and probably would start on another jap drama.
and I would say that these two countries produce excellent shows :)
at least they are fast paced and sensible enough rather than low grade "idol"-craze in Taiwan & lame dialogues in Korean ones.

heh, the point is that I love the ending to Forensic Heroes 2 :)

that aside, I suddenly have the urge to leave my hair long.. after 9 years of not doing so.
I used to love my long hair, and mourned its demise after I entered RV.
Maybe some others would argue that I had my hair long in 2005. But that was a laziness in trimming my hair after O levels locked me up in my room with Chow Ban Hoe's crazily-out-of-syllabus teachings.

Perhaps, if I don't give up when the weather is too hot, that I may have my long hair back again. hee hee. It's time for a change.
Maybe I can ask evil green pixie to go pierce my ears with me when she comes visit next week.

oh, and maybe this is just another nonsensical illogical bout of craziness the female subspecies of mankind experiences from time to time.

rest needed. direction needed

2009-07-11T15:40:00.003+08:00

这星期过得似乎有些超现实。

时间仿佛停下了脚步，或许它像我一样 — 累坏了。
体力上的劳累，象我清晨4点钟睡到下午3点钟便可以恢复...
但是心灵的疲惫，我真我法摆脱。

天天上下班的时候，就盼望着回到自己的小房间，
平时整整齐齐的安乐窝反应了主人现今的迷茫。

等待处理的琐碎事，堆积如山。
它们无情无声地抗议主人为何还未处理它们。
还弄来了千万个尘埃为它们壮势。

主人，却亦然反常。
把紧条有序的习惯抛开，把自己生命所需也遗弃...
废寝忘食地沉迷了一个虚拟的世外桃源，享受着昙花一现的舒适与安稳。

今天主人终于不需上班，能在阳光中审查自己的生命。
眼间的陵轹碎片仍旧呼唤这她的名字。
只不过，心里明白—她虚幻的时间终究无法替代真实，沉迷一周的港剧也有大结局为结束。

泡泡般的虚拟空间没有长久。
隐藏在其中的人也会悬空而堕。

主人她，以自己的双手撑起了懒惰的身子。
从虚拟的安乐，走向了盼望的目标。

QUARANTINED!

2009-07-02T22:26:00.003+08:00

okay holiday resumes for one week :)
I know my preceptor is silently envious of us..
my darling lab buddy has been confirmed H1N1. and we pharmacy batch 2 ppl went to have lunch tgt.
We shared food at pasta mania, but heng buddy didn't eat, she just stare at us. lol.

Thanks to that, i got to sleep from 4pm to 10pm :)
YAYYNESS.

that's why HCPs should always protect ourselves when serving our patients!

sorry the cahsier's over there....

2009-06-24T22:48:00.002+08:00

9am to 8.30pm working hours today. we earn the same as an office job person just that we work longer hours and have a higher monthly salary.

but the unhealthy habits of standing consistently and late lunches don't help health care professionals practice what they preach.

"where's your face masks?" asks everyone since we are in mitigation phase for H1N1 now.
and we are also wearing the face mask at work.. which really, like our preceptor says...
1. makes us look like the bad guy in ninja turtle, and the N95 mask only makes u look like the good guys (the ninja turtles)
2. helps pharmacists yawn without being noticed. even at the customers' face - tried and tested.

I like the idea that people like to give us money.
I see people walk up to us digging their pockets deep and hard for their notes and wallets and purses, how I wish I can say "oh thank you, let me have all your money"
but I have to say "sorry, the cashier's over there *smile to customer*"

The End of it All

2009-06-16T12:16:00.002+08:00

Well, that's probably the end of my 6 week sabbaticals.
I can't say I have fully utilised it all.
But I have to gear up to the challenges ahead for the rest of the year.

I'm already year 3 and up next is my preceptorship and probably a mini birthday celebration?
Well, birthday for a purpose. just for close friends & family i guess :)
I must say that God is amazing, through this all. Sometimes maturity & growth comes through trials and situations, instead of simply willing oneself to grow up.

Simple happiness. is still a quest, a desire, and very much part of me.

In all His mercies, my terrible grades & health problems, and even in the tension within splash... I see the hand of God looking back. I'm not fully out of the tunnel. But definitely closer to the end than I was. At least now I appreciate why I had to go through all that. For the benefit of myself as well as others.
Church camp was fantastic. awesome. and now i sound totally American.

but it was really apt. the timing of the issues touched upon, for my personal life.
so was the random sermons I decided to listen to on Podcast :)
Even the scriptures like Zechariah 9:11-14 and Hosea 2 were evidently repeated through the Sermons in Chinese ministry's side, church camp, the random sermons i selected.

神造万物都按他的时间
成为美好成为完全！

Dinner with Yangying was great last night :)
We have indeed grown to be budget consicous exploited interns. At least she has.. I'm gonna start next week.

after Church camp, I settled 2 major issues weighing down upon my heart for the longest time ever. Total surrender and total forgiveness.

我们都是独翼的天使，只有并肩才能翱翔。

2009-05-31T01:10:00.002+08:00

Well, there goes half, exactly half of my holidays.
It's a quarter for everybody but not for me.

Results are out and I really am disappointed.
I guess no matter how bad, I always hate myself for any deprovement.

Have been home almost everyday, only leaving the house to church/ neighbourhood and not going out at all. This has been my life since the reading week. People may think I'm weird. and I didn't even go for class outing today.

I have been praying, perhaps to make up for the time I lost this academic year, for the past almost a month. and truly, time spent with God puts yourself in the right perspective, and some how the struggles you go through...they seem lessened.
I guess being refilled by the Holy Spirit really does give one strength. :)

I have learnt so much in knowledge and been complaining that my head is full of truth but my heart is void of love. I realise now that knowing must be coupled with spending time with God for the heart to be transformed into acceptance.

I have never read Dr. Bailey's book for less than 6 months before I finished it. But I just completed one in the past week. I am amazed too! Plus two other books - 几迷's 失乐园series.
以前，没有那个闲情逸致，停下脚步来思考，来阅读。这几个礼拜却拿起了搁放许久的书籍，重新审查了自己。

叉叉熊好厉害！
叉叉熊从小就被虐待，如果你问他，哪里最痛，他会轻轻地摸着他的心。
我想，前一段日子，我的心就是如此。
但是叉叉熊坚持－最痛的地方，要用最美丽的方式包扎。

我想，最使我痛苦的人，我也要以最美丽的方式处理。
虽然称不上好朋友了，但也要为我们曾经友好的关系，画上美丽的据点。
遗憾，抛开....给未来一个盼望、一个发展的余地。

The Dr. Bailey's book - on the Kings of Judah. Well, it just elaborates greatly on the verse "耶和华的意念是赐平安的意念，不是降灾祸的意念。 ”
Many times when a King turns away from the Lord, he goes through wars and diseases and what man sees to be retribution from God.
But truly, God desires the difficult cirucmstance to turn the King's focus back onto Him. That in dire circumstance, without one's strength we look back to Him. But many fail to do so and seek not the Lord.
I guess, no I believe, this is the case for my studies.

I told my friend I came to terms with my rebellion because I coudln't come to terms with obedience. I knew what I was to do. and I even DID what I knew was right, but it was so difficult and so sorrowful I never wanted to do it again.
and to another friend, I said "I just want to canoe polo my life away" because I felt so terrible at the conflict my divied loyalty brought me into. and seemingly cp was that which gave joy.

Truly, truly, it's not the case.
I cannot forget what God told me when I told Him "I think I found what Passion is" (referring to cp) and when God speaks there is nothing you can argue with. ppl might find me an argumentative person, always having a point to make... but with God you just go quiet. I mean,you know inside out, that that's the truth. Totally.

I guess He gave me a really good reason to save me out of my own mess. for me to stop all my nonsense. Afterall, I am first a student then a player. Better to be a fool in the eyes of the world than wise in my own.
The only quesiton now is when.

Gonna spend more time with God to find out.

I've got a world waiting for me.
But its that what I want to go into and become?

台上一分钟台下十年功

2009-05-27T00:23:00.002+08:00

苦练了1年。成功就在今晚！
CALL ME HANCOCK!:)

My first Foldable Bike

2009-05-25T17:44:00.003+08:00

hey~
I just bought my new foldable bike.
so happy so happy. I'd be using it to go to work in the next few months...

I won't need to walk an agonising 20min to the nearest MRT anymore!
Neither do I need to walk 10min to the bus stop to wait for another 10min to wait for the bus just to take 2 stops of bus to the MRT :)
yayys
but weather's really hot and cycling makes you smelly..
I hope they install deodouriser in the MRT aircons... maybe something that can stick right under your arms HA!

平平的离开了

2009-05-23T19:40:00.002+08:00

虽然没有什么，但是，我还是觉得今天值得一提。
因为，这可能会是我以后紧记的一天－ 2009 年 5月23 日。

今天，我歇下了一切“职分”中的责任。
作回我自己所谓的平凡人。

心中记得老妈成为执事那一天，说了：“一切将是一样” 的一句话。
她所做的出于内在的动力，非外在的驱使。
我似乎相反，希望没有一切的压力和要求，我还能够过着一个不平凡的生命。
因为，做的理由应当出于内心。

我想我是会的，因为是一种习惯。但是，愿我不会耳濡目染，跟从他人较底的标准来过生活。

2009-05-20T03:10:00.002+08:00

wah, recently training has been super hiong
thursday we ran 4 rounds of fartleks with 1 round warm up.
plus situps and pushups.. then we paddled like siow with the resistance.. :(

today, we ran 2.4km plus gymed plus paddled like siow again.
my streamlyte paddle is like the heaviest, and I didn't have a spray deck. I back paddled until I started sinking. although I had no resistance, 55+18+20+10 =103 laps of paddling.
so gross.
but everything was fun. edging was weird I just kept going in circles.
I hope one day I become flat tummied HA. sounds impossible.

But I just spent the last 90 minutes typing a letter.
its like a 2600 word letter.
so gross. so long!
I hope the recepeient lives through it. haha.

resolution of issues always make me feel better.
I won't need to toss in bed thinking about issues and being tormented any more I hope :)
*phew*

released.

2009-05-16T16:12:00.002+08:00

决定了成熟
I'm glad I finally made a decision.
Now is just carrying it out :)

7 more days

纯真

2009-05-16T01:27:00.003+08:00

年少时，曾经很喜欢的一首歌。今晚，再回家的路上，又听见了。简单的曲子，包含着无穷的复杂情绪，包含着我此刻很被搅扰的心情。

纯真，真的就是儿童的特权吗？真的只是儿时短暂的假象麽？！
坦白说，我的心中还有一个不肯接受这为事实的地方。一个仍旧希望有一天能发现，这世界虽然败坏，但还有未堕落、腐败的人、事、物。

我的心，很受压伤。
我的思绪，已经不很理智。
我的想法，再也想不通了。

长长的路上我想我们是朋友
如果有期待我想最好是不说
因为说了，会反目。因为我们只是"挂名朋友"。

世界的纯真此刻为你有迷惑
因为我曾经相信你，曾经信任，曾经盼望友谊能萌芽。
是我。是我傻？
我曾以为这里的的确确会找到纯真，但是我错了?

I'm certainly moving on.
It's been too painful to bear.

But I don't know if I can leave right.

one says I'm sorry, I didn't have the courage to stand up for you although I knew
friend quality lacking: loyalty

one says I guess you've been unhappy, I'm sorry for whatever that has caused you displeasure.
hello, want to apologise be specific. I don't know what you are referring to.
and you make it sound like I am at fault.
that's no apology. that's saying "you are wrong I am right" in a different way.

red indian chief. mr. mastermind..
you are the one i actually once thought to be most probable to be a good friend.
I regret my silly thoughts.

Even if you guys are leaving, or if you guys are not.
This is what: I am leaving for better bigger things.
but before that, I really don't know what to say to any one of you pseudo-friends.
I can't even reply an email, or send a sms.
I only told the first 2 people to wait for my reply, because I really have nothing in me.
No strength whatsoever anymore, to say "I forgive".

for the simple reason:
my primary school friend could face a discipline mistress and stand up for me.
and get punished because of me.
and say "I don't regret it"
But these almost 20-year olds who claim to be brothers & sisters is less loyal than a 11 year old back then.

I never forget that friend although she has her own world now.
NEVER FORGET.
because she stood up for me.
and I wasn't even there when she did that. I was already banished to another place for my punishment. and she made hell for that teacher for the unjustice we felt. I had a class of "friends". but she was the only one who did something about it.

it's not about strength in character, or holiness or what Biblical truth.
its the question about mere friendship.

I am such a petty person.
But I have been struggling so long, I still cannot CANNOT let it go.

我想我应该轻轻放开你的手
我却没有力气这麽做
O the irony, that letting go needs strength. and we only hold on because we are weak.

2009-05-14T01:19:00.002+08:00

today i finally got pissed off with myself for wasting one week of holidays
i shall stop my 1pm - 3am days.
although its 1am now.
i shall go and run everyday
and i shall make the best of my 6 weeks

blame myself on being so late today.
but i just had to wake my body up and go for a run and psych myself up for eveyrthing i want to do.
but i really want to end this all.
end this all futile efforts and move on.
i want to find something bigger
but im so irritated with myself, being held back by small things, bad things and bad habits.

some times my inner voice is full of crap i don't know why i still listen to it.
and i think the hardest thing to guard against is your own thoughts,
negative detrimental and destructive thoughts.
I will channel my energy to subjecting my thoughts under my will to stop entertaining them.
I'm NOT schizo!
but I need to wise up and be alert.

SETTLE AND LET'S MOVE ON!

Start

2009-05-10T01:12:00.003+08:00

Seclusion. or rather Resting from everything.

It's the end of week zero since exams ceased.
Sort of getting things done, all the nitty gritty things, like packing things up and all that has been accumulated in my business.
I can't belive more than 7 months zoomed past me without having a life.
Honestly, I always have loads of pictures to load and back up and fun.
but this time, 2009 had so little pictures it didn't warrant a folder to be dedicated to it.
NO wonder I am burnt out, tired out, and opting out.

I am on a quest, to find perhaps the most important thing in my life - purpose.
Some people may think I have found it. But no, I haven't.
I was just doing the best at what I liked or what I thought I ought to do.
That was all what I could do.

Now, I have pushed all things aside to find out, what is it that I should be doing, what I was made for.
Like I said, I really think I will bounce back up.
I am on the way up, new beginning and a new start.
Finding my way to the fog, which I am sure would end soon.

Friday's prayer meeting was good and not good.
Good for everybody but not good for me. Not not good for me, but I was not good.

I think I am very petty, but sorry, the word "friend" means more to me than to most people.
I can't imagine saying, okay let's be friends but not being as close.
cos friends = close.
I can't "give it to God", forgive and say we are friends.

I would have to say in the person's face, I probably forgive u but u shall be ousted from my life.
and because nobody says that in people's face, I don't talk about it.
Loyalty is a basic requirement not a higher level condition for best friends.
Betrayal is a downright despicable act.
I probably would eventually find strength to forgive all of you all, but that will take some time.
I know I will find it somehow, because man has no right to hold grudges when Christ didn't, doesn't and won't.

My quest will to be find passionate young souls, on fire, real and seriously sincere.
My quest will be for a life-long mission and a mark to hit.

2009-05-08T00:35:00.003+08:00

虽然又是一结束考试就到教会，但是这次比往常不一样了。
这次为的是真正的祝福到人，不是仅仅完成工作而已。
今天，顺利的把一些要处理的事情作好了，剩下一些些，15日再继续。
一切顺心。还吃了好久没吃到的西餐:)
心中分外感恩。

算了结了心中一些问题，
顾虑的事情总算是听到牧者的心意了。
至少，我现在知道朝往的方向，晓得大致上该如何使用我宝贵的6周。

and when I was getting out the station, to polo training, i told myself, perhaps I would get the bus just when I arrive at the bus stop. So there's no need to keep my ezlink card. Since I was runnign late, I was praying that God'd give me a bus.
And truly, the moment I got of the last flight steps of stairs from the MRT walkover linkway.. I saw the bus and ran for it like I haven't ran in 9998632187 years.
And the bus waited for me.
And I was the only one on the bus.
And there was no other passengers along the way to SRC.
I think Dad sent a chauffeur with a six-wheeled mega vehicle to pick me up.

And I got a seat on the peak hour MRT train again.
The person right in front of me stood up again.

一天内，能吃到爱吃的。能享受所做的，能完成所预定的目标，也能蒙受上帝奇妙的爱，能了结心中的苦闷与迷惑，能找着自己短期内的目标，能意识到自己没有在错误的方向钻牛角尖。
心中没有分外的兴奋，只有满腔的安慰与平安。
持久的、淡淡的、简单的喜乐。

说配得，我什么都不是。
最近又属灵不到哪里去 ...呵呵。却你还依然如此。
永不改变。

End of Exams, End of Year 2.

2009-05-07T00:21:00.004+08:00

well, 终于结束了。
有些迷茫、有些空虚、甚至有些不知所措。

从前都很清晰地要忙这个那个的，
这次都推开了。想休息，还是想逃避？
屋里一片混乱。
先从这里开始整理吧。先从不痛的地方着手处理吧。

明天就去看医生了。
希望一切顺利，希望没有坏消息。
考完试了，不晓得是否恩典就停止了。
或者，恩典因要面对的难题即将增加。

或许，我承受不了。
或许，我会战胜一切。
我是谁，我不清楚。可我清楚知道，我是一个被逼到很紧，会狗急跳墙的人。
我是一个走到走投无路的时候，会站起来以一身的力气去抵抗的人。

可能我现在到了尽头。也许，这是我生命中另一个转捩点。
拐左拐右，天渊之别。这决定不易做。这选择，不清晰。对与错，我想我还分得请。黑与白，从不曾因人的败坏而模糊。但是，该与不该，这时我就理不清，分不开。

虽然曾经成长过许多，却还是难以分辨其中复杂的事物。
搞不清楚当中的头绪。
我想我还是幼稚、愚昧的。
我想我需要不只是意见，而是确确实实的方向。

我想问一问，人－会有成长为止的地步吗？
或者，我年过百时，还会说，我需要成长，我需要学习，我还有幼稚、愚昧之处。

痛心疾首

2009-05-05T17:07:00.004+08:00

真的，快要崩溃了。
明天考完试，决定了自己去看一场电影。
决定了清晨起来，积极的把琐碎的事情搞完。
再安定下自己的心情，看是否能浮萍心里的伤痛。

尝试寻找自己的目标。
尝试寻求那知道我的目标的他
希望寻得见。

自己独处固然好。
但怎么对人最近就仿佛就快影起争论似的。
与人的相处使我顿时发掘自己身处的位置，是如此的狼狈、如此的不堪一击。

不要，我不要倒退成5年前的自己。

需要，我需要一个指引我的亮光。

2009-05-05T14:42:00.002+08:00

wah seh!
when i was writing all the things to memorise for the enzyme inducers and inhibitors,
I smelt a weird smell and heard strange noises, commotion just below my block.

so I looked out and saw nothing.
but a really weird and fast moving shadow of a cloud.

I went out of my door and looked up. and saw a unit burning in flames!
plus several few explosions. and the sound of the fire engines coming in.
what a start for my revision.

Superwomen do Exist

2009-05-04T22:38:00.002+08:00

as the examinations draw to a close, I am forced to face up to reality.
That the temporal comfort of the four walls of my room cannot nullify the turmoil and issues festering in my life. Today I was so excited when I watched a fairly ordinary drama about a fairly extraordinary woman.

And I realised that inside of me, I have always held certain people in awe.
Perhaps it started when someone just bought me a book on Extraordinary Women, and having known some extraordinary women.

Coincidentally, all the stories, are true or intertwined with truth, history of war times and hardships. I guess these are the women that inspired me. And was also why I loved reading Marie Curie's biographies...and was always so enchanted by books on her. My utter dislike for physics, especially at history of discovering atoms and elements, could not deter me from opening books and reading about her life. Women who stood up for a cause amidst their own difficulties - Marie Curie was not rich nor healthy but rallied people to donate to medical equipment for the war. I'm inspired.

And as much as I think I need a rest and a break to sort out my thoughts, I think I would like to purpose to bounce back as a super-woman-wannabe:)
I shall systematically, critically analyse my utter defiant behaviour and to sort out the thoughts I have jumbled all inside of me.
I shall look at the positive thoughts and to question if I truly believe in them and if there is a reason I believe in it, instead of just taking it from what other people say.
I shall look at the negative thoughts and purpose not to be as the youth of my generation. I shall renouce the maglinity of my mind and choose to believe the good side of things.

All these, by the grace and guidance of the Living GOD through prayer and waiting upon Him, I believe the worst would be over.

2009-05-03T21:21:00.000+08:00

the ultimate incoherence.
whatever got into me?!

pseudo break

2009-05-01T03:06:00.004+08:00

well, its 6 days till pharmaco.
I don't think that's a lot of time but I gave myself a good break today.
No studying.

but loads of packing
I did some things that I thought to do after exams are over.
Moreover, I needed to shelf the previous papers away to be able to concentrate on this one coming
I needed to pack!

SO i did.
I packed my life. my screwed up messed up me.
I went through my phone and updated my excel sheet of contacts.
I deleted those people I couldn't remember, those who I don't think I'd contact and also an awful lot of those who have left the country, and the people I don't want to contact.
I wanted to delete those unneccesary people too, but i realised some time down the road I may need this network of people so I left them in my hp.
how sad it is that only a very small percentage of my contacts in my phone are people i can call friends.

I backed up all my notes in my HDD. and then with a clean packed computer, enjoyed watching my HK drama till the very last episode. Sad that I couldn't load the alternate ending cos the last episode was an unhappy one :(
i think Sonija Kwok is quite pretty.

I also did the usual post-exam packing of notes and everything, prepare everything for binding...
except the last module.
Well, after a good night's sleep I will take huiwen's little to do list as the last booster to help me go run and get my fitness back...as well as delve into pharmacology.
my long awaited but not so long break is coming. I am going to jump at it as soon as I can. not to waste a moment of my 6 weeks :)
For me, Drug names are gonna be a fact of life!
I hope happiness would be too.

PR3104 Biotechnology

2009-04-29T17:28:00.002+08:00

突然想到几米的《小蝴蝶小披风》
上网查了查。。找到这张图：
有点象我现在的感觉 :)
我希望我像小蝴蝶和小披风，而不是像最后的那条狗。

2009-04-28T23:41:00.003+08:00

firstly,
to Yucks Yang: that hand warmer thing became my exam buddy.
my exam venue happened to be freezing and I'm usually frozen before everyone is.
now I am so warm and fuzzy while doing my paper :)

secondly,
to everyone who told me that winning wasn't everythign, that I should treasure the process..
to everyone who told me that I tried too hard acting or being cool..
to everyone who told me that I come up with stupid horrible songs to sing...
take a look at that 乒乓圆!
I think my songs are better than the.."乒乒乓乓...."

PR3107 Bye bye for a while

2009-04-27T21:29:00.002+08:00

HA!
HA!
HA!

HAHAHAHAHA!

actually, its only the first paper down.
and thursdays paper I haven't started studying
but anyway, I found a million and one mistakes

but I have this weird sense of triumph.
maybe because I triumphed not in terms of knowledge or intellectual capabilities.
but because prayers are answered.
I needn't rely on Loperamide or Lomotil to stop my Sacroplasmic Reticulum from releasing its Ca2+ stores.
I had not a single spasm throughout my paper :)
prayer works.

I'm chilling now, and resting and waiting for my next HK drama.
i waited one hour in front of TV watching lame taiwan show just to realise that I have caught this episode on the internet before. -.-
but never mind i can wait for the repeat of 7pm show

eh. i m supposed to be studying :P
oh since exams are here, maybe God decided to give me back a sound internet connection
this morning i went online and realised all the websites are loading properly
now i can finally check my mail on my on macbook and even log in to my nus websites :D

but Pet society still cannot load.
God really knows me inside out. ha.

2009-04-26T23:08:00.003+08:00

this is it this is it.
tomorrow is the start of the end.

something happy to keep me going:
new addition to my wish list...
A VESPA! :D

I hope, pending permission from superiors. :p
am i being too ambitious? ho ho
but this will certainly spur me on! :D

musings 2.02am

2009-04-25T02:02:00.005+08:00

well, i haven't been the goody good girl studying as much.
but this semester, i really got the real stuff of what being a pharamcist is like.
and i can say i like what i am studying, don't mind learning about all these.

I'm looking forward to one of the few careers that stems from the purpose of helping others lead better lives :)
I know that under the 9 to 5 job, there should be something more than just mere earning money.
If not, then being a tai-tai would be the most fulfilling thing on Earth.

I have left home only 1 time since I reached home from Sunday after service,
had a drink with my lovely neighbour and she pei-ed me walk around Guardian and listen to me guess what's in each product before I flipped over to see the package label.
I think it's gonna be a lifelong occupational hazard.
That flipping to the back of the package label or looking for the package insert would be my instinct.
Well, at least product packaging would not have much of an effect on me any more :)

Hurhur, my macbook is cranking up and so is the nus website.
I have been living off other people's laptops to check my emails.
now I'm using my old trusty desktop PC once again.
I used to think it was beyond hope, but thank God it revived after its long dormancy.
can't help but think of my ex when I use it though
Anw, about my petition pending.
I guess it will soon come to a conclusion.
I could be, moving on into another phase of my life. and it feels like I have failed this phase terribly. starting off well and ending off terribly. It seems so for every phase of my life, and it is all because of troublesome humans and interpersonal relationships. it always drains me, always.
I feel so apathetic to them now, I don't even want to be related.
I just moved the entire group from the top of my MSN contact list downwards. to think we were once peers, friends, and maybe I one-sidedly thought that these would be my forever friends. Or so I heard from the older ones.
I doubt I would be speaking much to them at all if I am released.

But if I were, I wouldn't know where else to go.
I don't belong anywhere in where I am to belong.
No Bread in the House of God.

I am part of them, and a leader only in name.
I wonder, don't we all need peers to support and strengthen us? other than God?
maybe because they are all married people and they do have their source of support already.
are true friends only a previllege of the young?

I feel so neglected. Like what I say is not really being understood, or taken real.
until now.
which seems the only issue is to release or not to release me.
or maybe i have misunderstood.

but the home should be MORE than doing things right or mere responsibility.
there are things urgent and at hand that should be dealt with right away.
but when there is slack time, other issues should be addressed.
relationships should be fostered.
time should be spent without stress without requirement without schedule
with all amount of love.

where is the true stuff?!?!?!?!?!!?!
give it to me!!!!!!!!!!

180409

2009-04-19T01:18:00.002+08:00

Today is a special day. adventurous day.
Happy Birthday to the one of the most important person in my life.
and 2 other classmates.

Anyway, I am so glad I got things off my chest.
I told my ridiculous request(which i talked about previously) to M and M, both.
And I sort of got a short time with P & A.R. to say about all that has been on my mind.

Boy, am I glad that today I was not just dismissed as grumbling, ramblings.
I recall saying the same sentence ever since I could remember, in JC.
but now, maybe because SOMEBODY else did make a similar request, mine stands.
I am no longer laughed at just because of my younger age, and me being more youth than them.

I guess they don't understand what is JC-secondary school difference in their realm.
Neither do they understand the fact that well-looked-after, church-grown pampered kids and heartlanders who have no restriction and rough-it-out on their own have a greater gap of maturity.

it is an issue. that my cries are never taken seriously.
but heck, at least my petition is through, pending and in consideration.
it's long been a bugging nagging thing, of being amongst immature pseudo-young adults of impeded academic abilities and stuck-up personalities.If your english is bad, no need to pretend its good.

think about it. they're how far away from their secondary school only and they have people in their age group. yet they're proclaimed "cannot fit in" is accepted.
when I have been how many years away from my secondary school liao.

whatever
i gladly can say, I'M ON MY WAY OUT OF HERE.

being nerdy is good

2009-04-15T00:59:00.002+08:00

After the past 3 weeks of competition
and giving up on living up to expetations, I've found Good Friday, a really good day to pack up my room and sort out some thoughts.

now, Canoe Polo has ceased and I have conveniently or inconveniently pushed away all assignments from church.
I am now just a student.

I've been couped up in my world, studying.
studying eating watching tv occassionally. then hitting the books.
the dry content is still dry
the hard to remember drug names are still never ending and ever-so-confusing
dimenhydrinate diphenhydramine chlorphenhydramine and diphenoxylate are really different drugs!

but anyway, I feel so much more relaxed today :)
just being a student.
I now know, a step further, that student life is really to be cherished and relatively worry-free.

though my intestines have been acting weird again these few days.
I certainly hope for the best.
I hope definitely that my defiance has not incurred wrath.
nor my bitterness brought about any calamity on myself.
I'd get a check up only after exams. which is still a while more to go.

幸福 is in simplicity.
and I felt much so today, when I get to be fetched to and from school being so old already. and have home - cooked meals.
it's a rare treat. and so i know today, is a rare day of coincidences.
i can count with my 2 hands days I get home-cooked food every year.

I'm back to the basics of my life - studying.
and what usually is the most stressful peroid of my life has now become a sanctuary of peace and solitude.
I wish You'd come too. like You used to. if You'd like to, still.

Comfortable

2009-04-14T15:43:00.000+08:00

optional documentary

2009-04-13T17:19:00.003+08:00

i'm sitting in my elective's documentary lecture.
an optional,n on-tested thing for interested people
and the LT is 10% filled!

Einstein's Universe and Quantum Weirdness.

Weird indeed that Stephen Hawking just said that the only way of solving or getting around the singularity problem was simplifying the universe.
Simplifying that the universe had no time in the first place. i.e. there is no beginning and no end.
Because of the fact that the universe cannot be solved when u assume singularity, that the universe exists as a small compact single point of intense density, energy and consisting of all the particles that form our present universe.

Just yesterday, we saw the Bible say "In the Beginning, God ..."
so God existed before time, before the beginning and He has no end no beginning. He is the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End.

The theory of Big Bang also says that at that exact point the Big Bang ought to happen.
just a deviation of the 15th decimal place in seconds (time) would have disrupted the delicate equation and the Big Bang would not have gave rise to the universe we now know.

I acknowledge that probably there was a Big Bang. But its trigger is delicate, fragile and can only be explained by a Creater giving a cue.

Neither would random explosions create beauty in our nature now.
I believe that post-Big Bang, a Designer would have had to orchestrate how quantum particles floated around to form the beauty our eyes can behold now.

Big Bang, if existed, could in no way be random.

in any case, im glad im done with this module! 100% done!
just handed up the final term paper
and there is no exam for this module! :D

IT'S OUT~

2009-04-09T19:19:00.002+08:00

the instant noodles is boiling
and I'm playing the song Hero is playing

all feels so surreal
that such and such a defiant child of God has got her prayer answered

I'm going to an ideal spot for my preceptorship.
and although going to batch 1 is the choice for most people
and I also put that down, I regretted it cos I'm like so dead beat tired now I feel like collapsing anytime.
And God knows.

so I got batch 2.
I get to rest.

I am going to buy a bicycle to cycle to work. :)

and I got to work at Guardian! My dream place for attachment! :D
non-pharmacy people will be scratching their heads.
but it's Guardian is better than polyclinic or unity or watsons okayy.

one can dream
and dreams motivate.
i realise my dreams
i am not a perepetual dreamer
i rest and dream
and work to realise them.

this totally fits into the dream i have had last night.
a dream that kept me awake and filled with excitement.
a dream for REST.

never realised how important that is?
then you never really lived.

I no longer want to be supergirl

2009-04-08T01:07:00.007+08:00

I know my mummy is wonder woman.
I once thought it would be great if I could be too.

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me

I’m more than a bird...i’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me

I’m only a man
In a funny red sheet
I’m only a man
Looking for a dream

I once pondered on being an average Sunday Christian. not serving so much and spending so much time.
but I thrashed that idea because that'd be just contradicting my principle of "want to do, then do your best". I wonder why people want to be Sunday Christians in the first place. I won't choose such meaningless existence.

2009-03-28T21:16:00.001+08:00

when gloom looms and distress deepens
Truth and reason should interfere with emotions

2009-03-28T00:02:00.001+08:00

sorrow
angina
desperation
uncertainty

fleeting thoughts on *P****

2009-03-26T01:03:00.003+08:00

sometimes you have a burning request but you know you can never get it
then you ponder if you should just continue like this or should you just express your concern even though you know most probably you won't get it
and then because of this useless request, you are going to look like you have some problem to everybody with everybody

but sometimes,
it just make sense to you
but not to others

I'll see how the next few weeks go
if it really is what suits me, I'd probably just make the request anyway.

hear hear, suits me is such a selfish term anyway.
conscience VS self-benefiting spirit always struggles

2009-03-26T00:50:00.002+08:00

my printer always ALWAYS messes up when i try to do the print-all-odd-pages-then-print-all-even-pages thing to print double side

which is always when i am in a hurry and busy and need to rush off to school
it leaves me exasperated
sometimes resigned to the fate of a set of notes, with messed up sequence during lectures

today I prayed my way through
purposing to praise God even if it will end up rubbish again.

today the paper ran out
the ink ran out
i pressed the wrong button
and the printer had to stop abruptly through printing jobs.

as I refilled time and again
and clicked resume,
nothing went wrong ...

for 6 sets of notes!
truly a miracle:)

necessity of loudness?

2009-03-21T23:05:00.004+08:00

well, first and foremost
loudness does create an atmosphere
and indeed we should be doing it with all our strength, might, and soul

2ndly,
we also do not exceed a decibel unit that causes long-term damage to the ear-drums
a generation of prematurely hard of hearing adults is definitely the way the society is headed.
loud MP3 headphones on the train, rock band concerts, blasting music and indulging in it.
there's no limit to the youth nowadays.
but God forbid that the church needs to contribute to such damage to the youth

seriously.

my eardrums hurt at every beat
the ground under my feet tremble to the rhythm.

I hide in my sanctuary behind the glass doors,
to enjoy a reasonable volume level with fantastic spirit, energy and worship.
I must say, the worship element was really truly real.
unlike some bands that goes on about I don't know what... merely a facade masking self

I desire, heart felt worship
And I believe it was there today

I ponder, why should I pump my fist.
Until I did understand the vague meaning behind it.
I couldn't truly pump my fist without knowing for what
neither could I truly draw a intimately strong link.

I desire, radical practical changes.
And I believe I need that in my life right now, this very moment.

I ponder, if anyone was there like me and not for the hype and energy.
because It's terrible to go home feeling empty inside.

I desire, for more of God
less of hype
more of worship
less of volume

I ponder, is it the physical volume that should be turned up or the volume of your life back in school/ home. physical volume should have it limits but spiritual volume should know no boundaries.

and perhaps I am through all this rough patch and stuff.
There's rarely praises sung in my solitude.
only worship
Lamentations would most probably be the word

there must be something wrong with me
for I am filled only with sorrow
a vessel of bitterness of despair
falling short of the grace of God
I find nothing in me to cheer and jump and praise.

I ponder if it would be better to blame it on old age

but I must say, I have out grown this age group.
I seek for new pastures new people who are RELEVANT
who are living with the problems I face, and have conquered.
where are they?
why am I the one to guide.
as the blind leads the blind, all will fall into the pit.

I am twenty one.
I don't need to be stuck with kids.
I can be with them
I don't mind helping out

But I really do need something else
satisfying me
some others, just like me.

2009-03-21T12:37:00.003+08:00

There is this surreal anxiety building up in me.
After the ordeal of having a convention, a busy weekend followed by 2 heavy duty tests this week..
all was over on wednesday morning.. I went home and satisfied my never-ending sleep debt.

from Wednesday evening to noon on Thursday.
Understand that this is a rare treat especially toward the end of semester, even for a pharmacy student.

but anyhow.. Friday only had one 4pm to 6pm lecture.
sleeping is an escapist's paradise.

with the constant nagging of million things behind my mind.
and deciding to waking up to face the music today, i have a thousand million unwillingness to do some things festering within me.
festering because is malignant, consuming and devouring every good and desirable attribute of my character.
and I find myself delving into a whirlpool of sludge.
of poor behaviour, childish tantrums, and absolutely selfish irresponsible decisions.

how did one decision expose myself to such a slurry of moral onslaught?
a decision that seemed harmless enough
that seemed only a fight between having fun and being busy VS being free and not having as much fun.
became a war to keep the ground of the transformed person who I aspire to be against the ancient forces of self-centred-ness.

I juggle too many balls.
I'm probably crumbling inside, morally, spiritually, socially, intellectually..

regularly giving BS is what I resolve to do.. but ironically..not the youth meetings.
how come I am so short sighted on not seeing the purpose. I only see those of immediate consequence. or maybe I really have outgrown this group that was never really my social class nor age group.
I never heard of new believers asked to set a good example for people who grew up in Sunday school all their life. But of course, I don't qualify as being a new believer anymore. But I don't suppose I fully grow out of that mentality as yet.. that people who have known the Lord for so long are behaving as such. I expected to learn something from them when I first came.. really did.

with another scary test on wednesday and the race to prepare for tuition tomorrow, after friendlies, after sunday service, after tonights youth meeting, after BS.
I have to say I am only human trying to survive on this Earth.
Trying not to have a hope that I can only play canoe polo and go diving and enjoy the sun sand sea only in Heaven!

不爱惜自己的生命以至于死
The Word of God is always a higher standard, a solemn reminder... and not attainable solely by any human effort
It seems I lost that extra I need, sometimes.

rainy day emo day

2009-03-09T19:47:00.004+08:00

Today was a rainy rainy day from the moment I woke up.
Such is the atmosphere where all things turn surreal, everybody's around you going about their own businesses.
and also a time when you are amidst everybody but in your own umbrella world.
even as I hurried into the shelter and out of my umbrella.
it continued to linger around me

I saw afar, the newly renovated coffee shop of old.
amongst those that newly sprang up to the left and to the right..
I decided.
to see if i could spot any reminiscent of the past - my past
I walked through every store, supposedly to find a satisfaction for my growling stomach
but looking instead for familiar faces and signboards.

I found one - the kueh tu tu man with his ancient tools.
his bulky metal box with secret little compartments that never fails to amaze the customers as they wait without complaint. Low technology, delicious but time consuming to make delicacies.
simple happiness has been resounding in my life for some time now
and even more so when I finally got my kosong kueh tu tu-s:)

I can still remember making a fuss and wanting Daddy to carry me so I could see Uncle Kueh Tu Tu do his rhythmic stunts while preparing the kueh tu tu-s. white round pleasures of flour. and to my surprise, 21 years later. The prices are still the same - 3 for $1, coconut or peanut :) But being a weird kid I was/am.. I always wanted only flour. I'm glad that over the years, more people have joined the camp of "oleh! kosong kueh tu tu!"

I still sat down, with my disgruntled tummy, at the old meepok store.
new tables, new helpers, and a new sign saying "Self-Service"
the boss was Daddy's friend and we used to get free flow of soup with extra ingredients in our mee.
because of health reasons he merely leased the store to others.
leaving behind only the familiary utensils and tools

I sat down and ate my yummy mee.
I looked up and saw children coming back from child care.
I listened, and heard them speak as I used to.

Just a stone throw away, was my childcare.
Proudly, St. Andrew's Cathedral Childcare Center.
where they served egg mayonise sandwiches on Tuesdays and Oats on Thursdays.
Where I made my first best-friends and imagined being on The Power Rangers' space crafts after our meals and was busy fighting aliens whilst pressing imaginary buttons.

The heart of my neighbourhood.
has been thorugh 3 major renovations over the last 2 decades.
and every new beginning just dilutes the flavour furthere, uproots the hearts of many and live us lingering and finding less to hold on to.
I honesty was quite fearful that Uncle Kueh Tu Tu wouldn't be around anymore. That I won't have yummy chee cheong fun to eat in the mornings.
for one, my favourite chicken rice and char siew rice store has been gone.
Nothing anywhere ever tastes the same, despite trying to find one.

I see, that even though ambition and the lure of a glamorous life may seem to be all so fulfilling.
Maybe I'm not one suited for it.
After all the crazines and fun outside.
I need a place called home. a place of security. for that should be the core of everyone. and what fills it should only simple and good.

I believe that life should be filled.. primarily with simple happiness :)

2009-03-07T18:52:00.002+08:00

one step further from the world
one step into impossibilities.

the last days. i hope i haven't fallen short, will not fall short and never will.
pour prayer.

主你能力何其的伟大
在你再也没有任何限制
虽然我看到的是
不可能的现实
在你却没有难成的事

dare or not?

2009-03-06T04:01:00.000+08:00

kimmie!
no you didnt wake me up
i was awake

but my SMS inbox was full and by the time i saw it, it was too late to reply! :(:(
I'm dying from dimenhydrinateand diphenydramine
i will pretty soon need diazepam or vallium.

this is the only place i can contact u so i hope you see this!
it's 4AM now and I have a never-ending todolist.

I have a lab practical at 9am later. UGH.

goign all out but not striving

2009-03-04T01:02:00.002+08:00

because having a million things to do is no reason that you cut short on anyone of them.
because you still have to be in tip-top condition for everything
even if you have all the things under the sun to do.

I think I'd be letting some people down again.
I feel like its very ridiculous and dua pai to make certain request. but I don't have much choices at hand. Sorry.

Day 1

2009-03-03T00:19:00.003+08:00

Day 1 of the real fight. the real war. the real semester is when mid-term break is over and things accelerate.
The real fight, when I decided: that I will still give my best in ministry as well as canoe polo.
because now, competition dates probably clash with baptism class dates.

I feel a sudden need to grow up.
My 1st agonising project is gone. The agony. is not the people.
The agony is the vast difference in the way we work.
The agony is me. I am more puzzled, and anxious than angry and frustrated.
But somehow the way I communicate or express things, have not been well balanced and turns out to portray me as an angry frustrated person. I am not!

puzzled: that there are people who work this way!
I am always puzzled at things foreign to me, or out of my normality.

I try to encourage, and try to spur people on.
but somehow it turns out that they say I put them down.

I try not to be too serious as I know I can be, I try to add in a lil humour.
But somehow it turns out that I am not serious and always talking crap. I am not.

I try now, to be serious, no need to talk rubbish. Cut the chase. Cut the crap.
But somehow it turns out that I am lone unhappy unfriendly. I am not.

I try now to be objective, not taking sides, not offending the 2 camps of people. but wanting to help. But somehow it seems I will be treading on dangerous grounds, going to offend one party and side the other. I do not take sides. I speak the truth. and how things I think ought to be done.

I try to be a leader. I try to tell people what's right, what to do when to do.
Somehow turns out I'm the bossy kid, only to be ostracised and ignored.
Thanks for ostracising me and then being nice again.

I try to lighten your load, by promising more teams, more rotation, less rostering per month.
But somehow, before it materialises I get an unfriendly "Where's your other teams? Why haven't they materialised?"
Maybe on this matter I am being too sensitive.
Maybe its really a soft spot that I feel I really am not doing my best yet.
Maybe its just you.
I always jump to defending myself when you criticise me. Maybe its just us. We can never communicate properly. or is this a self-fulfililng prophesy that nothing will work out..why will it? complicated matter-mental note: shelf aside for the longest possible time

I try to do my best.
I try to juggle everything.
glass cleaning roster, church library, discipleship, follow up, youth, sunday 1001 duties, canoe polo, studies, praying, friends, family, extended family, spending time with Him, housework, guitar, worship, baptism class, assurances, 10 truths, tuition...

I actually can only juggle 2 balls for 3 seconds in real life.
DO I LOOK LIKE SUPERWOMAN?
So why don't people around me be realisitc about expectations of me.

I am not superwoman.
有时候真的会很想作个小女人。
有时候 = rarely.
because that's when i have an escapist mentality.

but now is not the time. now is time to confront and to run.
out of breath and angina kicks in.
old injuries hurt and fatigue sets in.
dehydration and the glaring sun strips me off any other energy I have left.
That's when, I rely on Someone else.:D

I believe.
Believing is seeing.

2009-02-27T23:09:00.003+08:00

can u believe it?!
recess break is over.
i hardly caught up on much of my academics
but im gladd 2 projects are kicked off in the butt

though i spent 4 X 6man hours this morning doing what could be done in 2 X 4 man hours
or woman hours

see see:
my love valentines!! :D

RECESS BREAK!!!

2009-02-23T15:08:00.004+08:00

I have taken this monday as a day to clear up pack up and be in tune.
I guess for the past half of the semester I have been so down and disorientated.
and my room usually reflects it very obviously.

I slept 5pm yesterday to 10am this morning.
waking up briefly at 12 midnight to eat my subway dinner :D
talk about slacking!

I will have to wash my clothes and hang them, fold them, iron them today
and to pack up my room, clean up the dirt
and re-organise my finances.
THANK GOD FOR GST OFFSET PACKAGE!

It's time to set things in order and maybe start planning on the rest of my recess week
things to do include the 1000001 projects and reports. deadlines will pour in at an exponential rate after this week and I will be drowned..
not to mention SRRR coming up and all that...

i have been neglecting/ wanting to neglect something that has been part of my life since 2006. simply because there's an apathy virus going around that puts me off. really really puts me off. but new comers have been really encouraging and stretching me just as I try to pull away from this entire cold blooded gang of people (okay, not all.. but that's quite generally the mood), there comes these people who really need attention. and i really need passion renewed.

I don't agree with our leader that it's a growing up process. seriously.
sometimes i think she's just being nice.

i really wonder why do people complain about being ROSTERed to do things without being ASKED. tsk. who's the king?

sometimes I question the purpose and meaning of all this gathering to act cool together.
but sometimes I push myself for the sake of those who really need it.
and the effort is damped and less effective with the "I am so cool" gang

you know.."Let's just do it" and "together" is more cool. really.
I'm sure there is some of us that don't want this apathy going on forever.
but it is also getting to us. me included.

I hope something changes for good.
I hope we all try together, as we are supposed to..
because one man's strength is hardly enough.
because we all do need each other

2009-02-17T13:30:00.002+08:00

bromhexine vasican, duro-tuss,
chlorpheniramine, piriton
dexchlorhpheniramine, polaramine

memorise like crazy these two days.
quite sian and looking forward to something different.
was looking forward to trg tonight.

but the emails was totally...
it's not like i purposely pon trainings right.
if ppl struggle with things like just waking up in the morning to come training.
i don't see why i can't just get the spray deck or the boat or the whatever thing.

its like totally no equipment lor
cos i never come and sit and stare at them play game for one hour.

great.
with all that drugs boggling me i have to go and PR for boats.

water trianing attendance is not everything.
see who turns up for runs...

i'm not putting anyone down but i'm just reiterating that i'm not a slacker don't penalise me for my attendance can not...

Valentine's Day 2009

2009-02-15T17:21:00.003+08:00

I dated my boyfriend! and I finally got to see him(her)!!
I'm so happy thanks to match maker kimberle we managed to contact each other half way round the globe

My lovely cyber stalker boyfriend, one day we will work hand in hand to eradicate all viruses and stop their life cycles. Let's memorise our parts together for our tests.
Oh this sounds so geeky but I guess that's what most Hwachongians are.

Although kimberle seems to think of me and contact me more than my boyfriend does. I think it's cos my beloved is so much engrossed in studying his(her) work than lazy kimbo.

Recently I have been doing micro biology work and counting cells (learning the theory) going to do the actual practical. And immediately I thought of you boyfriend. because the first semester in Cambridge I remember you counted the bacteria colonies on the square grid thing till sun set or something like that. I hope I need not go through that. I will dilute my culture appropriately and back calculate. :) I wonder why you didn't do that last time!

It's been a while since I blogged eh? I haven't progressed much academically, spiritually, emotionally. Problems are the same and I seem to be stuck in a round about of my own feelings.
My life don't seem like a sine curve anymore. Neither does it look linear or anything. in fact it looks like a x2 + y2 = r2 graph.

KIMBERLE WOKE ME UP AT 5.19AM THIS MORNING.
and said I was late. when she dated me at 6am!!!
And all she wanted to do was say "hi, happy valentines day, i'm going to catch a movie"
luckily my boyfriend pei me after that. but it was a different morning, and a good one.
Thanks Kim, but don't do such things again okay.

I hope my other fellow RVian enjoyed herself too. that green evil pixie. yingying is no need to say one...busy until don't pick kimmie's call. haha.
I love RVians and the honorary ones (chieh and kim)

why is it so hard?

2009-01-19T23:49:00.003+08:00

Now godliness with contentment is great gain!
For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.

1 Tim 6:6 - 7

然而敬虔加上知足的心便是大利了。
因为我们没有带什么到世上来、也不能带什么去。

提前六: 6 - 7

2009-01-17T00:01:00.002+08:00

搞不懂
顺服才有祝福
不顺服就没有祝福

那祝福和爱有何区别？
你爱我不就会祝福么？
不祝福不就是不爱么？

我有什么值得这样的疼爱？
为什么我仿佛走在要悖逆你的道路上。
你还是爱我呢？

谁会如此爱戴背叛自己的人。
很明显的，我爱你不够。
彼得是回到你身旁了...我都没有...
我伤了你的心，辜负了你对我的期望。

我的灵命都胯了

为什么你还看顾我？

2009-01-12T00:06:00.003+08:00

hi school, i hate you.

and i remember what Mr Bryden Chew said to Class 4B of 2004, in RV
if you hate it (a subject), why should u let it restrict your choices (pull down L1R5, cannot get in JC you want). so go, and do well in it, and you can shout out loud, PHYSICS SUCKS. but I GOT A1 FOR IT!

hi school, im gonna conquer you.

3on3, 2nd and 6th placing
cool guys. girls.
totallly love you-s.

school's starting.. here i come.
may not be bloggin for quite long

无条件为你

2009-01-03T23:53:00.006+08:00

无条件为你　不顾明天的安稳
为你变坚强　相信你的眼神
不敢想　不敢问
有一天坏的可能

无条件为你　放弃单独的旅程
为你坚强　就不怕牺牲
我的灵魂　如此沸腾为我爱的人

昨天在车上听见了这首歌...
听到时还觉得没什么。
直到听见最后那句...
不知道为什么，就想把它写下来。
觉得，这句话，很美丽。

2009 Goals haha

2008-12-31T02:42:00.002+08:00

Goal setting is very important!

Project Golden Tortoise

Mondays, Wednesday, Fridays and Sunday Mornings:
40min routine warm up exercises at sixth avenue before heading off for school.

Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturday Mornings:
40min super slow jog with heavy perfume at selected landed property areas.

Target: Secure lifelong income whilst ceasing to study at NUS, skipping all semesters thereafter.
WOOHOO~

2008-12-30T16:21:00.003+08:00

我只是不喜欢被我放在心上的人遗忘。
真的
很不喜欢。

忘记＝不重要
不是每个你当作重要的人都会相同的对待你。

嘴里说是一回事
行动才是真正的体现

没有什么人会当面说中伤你的话。
可是他们的行动是你真正评估的途径。

我国总统感慨

2008-12-29T13:02:00.002+08:00

世界，只要有人，就会有不能控制的情况。
越多人，控制的范围就相比的越小。
控制不到的就是伤害。
只要没有人，就没有伤害。
有些人，不大会伤害其他人。
可以姑且保留。
其他的，不值得允许进入。
进入我唯一管辖的世界。

保留下的人未必就是天使。
受伤之后，就把他们遣送出国。
这是保障国土，捍卫疆土的途径－我唯一会采取的措施。

2008 回顾

2008-12-27T21:50:00.005+08:00

无意中，打开了电视看见了熟悉的画面。
刹那间，我就能认出就是2004年到电影院看的《彼得潘》

继续看，看见了我从前曾经感到共鸣的几个情节。
回想着，我当年未成长的复杂心情－就跟戏中的彼得潘一样。
我不想长大。

当时，我好像也在挣扎。
挣扎，在教会里我不能做我自己。
挣扎，我得长大成为一个似乎很无聊的大人。

很无聊，因为每天背负着责任、重担、压力、要求生活。
背负着，我得照顾到的人。

就像彼得潘一样，我想永永远远是个孩子。
逍遥、自在、快活！
没有压力、没有约束，
但是 Never Never Land 是假的。
无可否认，彼得潘是个自私的孩子。

就算 Never Never Land 真的存在，也是一个没有目的，没有影响力的世界。
它的确好玩。但玩有时，工作有时。
我不希望我的生命永远像他的一样－ don't count towards anything.
完全没有意义！

最后的结局，彼得潘的朋友们，都选择了要回到世界上，成长。
他们虽然不能像彼得潘一样，比全世界的孩子都玩得那么自由自在（没有父母，随心所欲）
但是他，也没有了父母的爱，也没有宝贵的教导。

天下还是有他永尝不到的滋味：成长中因为有挣扎，而衬托出其中之蜜。

我希望，我永远都不会停止成长。
很多人，到了某个年龄，似乎思想呆滞不前，性格定型，无法更改。
2008 年，4 年后的今天再看这出戏...我知道：我成长了。
因为想法不再像以前的一样。不觉得成长就是一种很恶心的事。

但是它还是一个很难熬的过程。
回顾2008：我只知道，神怜悯了我。
我参加了轻艇水球－他保守了我的腰，不受伤。
我课外活动占据了我大部分的时间精力－他保守了我的成绩。
我心所渴慕的他赐给了我。
我今年这学期，终于能修泰文，有能考到A-.
坦白说，习惯了Straight As, 一路走来，进了大学从来没有A的我...
好像终于懂得为我的A- 而感恩了。

我不敢说：我是全心全意爱神的。
因为今年，我最大的挣扎，就是在神和轻艇水球之间取舍。
虽然感谢神我做了对的决定，但我心中仍放不下。

我敢说，我爱神多过我爱轻艇水球。
但是我爱轻艇水球，多过爱青年聚会。

要不是神加添的新灵魂，青年聚会将是我手头上最低priority的事。
我完全不讨神喜悦。
可是，我真的没有爱神爱到能把神心上的事看为比我的事更为重要，把一个没有关系建立的例常形式当成我生命的摆上，到一个受到我渴望建立关系的人们中遭白眼。
人非圣贤，孰能无过？
何人成得上是完全？
真的，我有在世界眼里，大把更好的路可以选择。
至少我能把我的时间花在完成我的课业。

我很厌烦，我没有异象，我不知道我为什么在与你们同工。
这不是你们的问题。是我得寻求神。
我希望2009 年，我会寻见。

人际关系从来不是我的强项。
也不是我爱琢磨的课题。

我不完全。请原谅我。
但是，你们的态度也使复合更困难。
别装成一副满不在乎的态度。酷的定义，你们搞错了。

伤人，绝不是刻意。
不说，我永远不知道问题在哪里。

2008-12-25T15:26:00.001+08:00

Merry Christmas to all:)

Cornerstonians, 05S78ers, NUS Pharmers, Polo girls, whoever who is reading this blog

and the garang guni who is still working on Xmas day

caroling

2008-12-19T23:47:00.002+08:00

Caroling @ SGH this evening was fun:)
I have no photos and I doubt anybody took any.
There simply was no time

but I like what happened:
the patients smiled :)

it's a joy to bring people joy
'tis the season to be jolly falalalala~

if only we could HUG the patients!
since they can't escape from their bed.
maybe, they could be hugged to health, like Heidi Baker did!

one day, I wanna go do something like that for God too

SPLASH - Aspiring Greatness

random thoughts

2008-12-17T00:25:00.004+08:00

nowadays, you see couples being so intimate on the buses and trains.
i wonder, why divorce and break up rates are on a all time high, if they truly are so loving and expressive compared to the last generation of older folks?

i guess sometimes, the girl's a trophy to the guy, and less commonly, vice versa.
and unrealistic expectations strain the unrealistic incompatible relationship and they still fail to work out in the end.

or maybe because I is more important than U in such relationships
so it will never work out.

what's all the kissing and hugging and touching
when it's all gonna last for a few months and you change another to do the same thing, get into the same problem and break up again.
SILLY.

I think a guy who is serious about you, won't mind just holding your hand till the day you two get married and kiss you for the first time when the Pastor says, the groom may kiss the bride now. :) ha

back. refreshed. happy

2008-12-13T19:19:00.004+08:00

I'm so happy happy happy.
My to-do list was NEVER embarked on.
now I have more to do
but I also feel I have more in me to go on:D

BIG THANK YOU to my Lord :)
who refreshed me during the retreat.

wasn't having much personal time but was still manageable within comfortable levels.
though I would need so 自闭time these few days.
I wonder how, with the work I need to do:D

spending the nights facing the sea and sorting out my thoughts was great.
some issues have to be settled.
some breaking has to be done.
i love You

most of the time we just fellowship-ed in the resort
playing uno and saboteur and reading books (some others sleeping)

baby sitting was fun.
here's my 小朋友what i appreciate most about the camp?
I don't think Banana Boat was high on the list but I so so wanted to go on it, so there were 6 others who just accompanied this other little one and went on the Banana Boat :) Thanks. :')

taking a break

2008-12-08T13:42:00.002+08:00

with a long to-do list for the next 4 days.
I'm going to my all-time favourite 阳光沙滩海洋 kindda places...in Malaysia.

well, it's much needed right now.. I hope I get some answers and fun with the old folks.
ha, they're so gonna kill me if they read this,
but luckily most aren't going to see this :)

be back with pictures and a refreshed spirit on 12th December.

in a spot in a sport

2008-12-06T00:50:00.002+08:00

not too much joy.
not too much sorrow.
it's official i'm out.

somehow i never got my hopes too high when things seemed possible to work out.

i'd still be there to cheer u guys on.
i hope one day, there'd be a miracle.

but honestly, its probable that this be an eternal problem
and then i ask myself, why are u in the sport?

Post Examinations - Memo for myself; Friend don't need to survive through this

2008-12-04T23:31:00.003+08:00

Definitely a reason to rejoice, definitely a time to rest.
Surprisingly a time of taking stock of my life, and I don't feel good about it at all.

Exams
really, i think i let myself down
what happened to my disicpline and determination
i think my concentration just dwindled down throughout the examination periods
promises i made to myself i broke within days

i need to focus, and i am not looking forward to getting ANY of the results
if i get a C, i might as well close losing the chance of doing FYP and end up doing a 4 year Degree w/o honours

Canoe Polo
yes, i totally understand the need to train together, the importance of it all
i desire to be but i desire not only canoe polo
i just hope I can be allowed to play even with my priorities set as it is now...
being a leader means you have less rights... says aunty ruby
sure, giving up my rights for God is something I can reconcile with myself and am willing to let it go, to the extent i am doing now.
I have been mentally preparing myself of the probability of getting out of polo, the moment I got in. Not out because of myself, but out because anytime God can say.. that's hindering my availability and willingness even to serve Him. or the demands compromises matters of Him.
but I don't think I am ready as yet.
I think this semester God has been ever so kind and loving, that He has guarded my back during all those rolls I have been doing, stern dips and stuff. I believe my back condition in JC was in His will and His Sovereign way of taking me out of my academic committments (cos I have a valid reason for being CCA-less). but it also took away all the pride I have with sports and being able, and zai and all that stuff I thought I was in RV.
somehow I fear not being to catch up with everybody cos I sprint so slow, can't roll, and ain't really as available for trainings. maybe, I am every coaches' nightmare.. staying on and cannot commit? What am I up to...This is what: I'd love to play, i WANT to play... but my God comes first. that's all I can say.

I have friends that refuses to hang out on Sundays (or Saturdays) because it's "boyfriend day". The day of the week they spend time with her boyfriend only and no friends can date them out at all...and that's the kind of commitment a relationship should have I would say. Although it's exasperating at times for the rest of us, but that's how it is. They can say sorry a thousand times but boyfriend day is still boyfriend day. Sunday is Sunday...my God deserves it. He loves me beyond anyone.
ah, it's not everyone would understand but I'd just pen down my thoughts here anyway.

I am not one bit offended. I understand the concerns of both canoe polo go-ers and church leadership..but I still have to make a decision rite. this is it. just bracing myself for the consequences.

Ministry
Praise The Lord! So many new souls have been ushered into the youth!
precisely what we have been praying for, and yet.. there's this uneasy burden in my heart.
not a Godly burden. but a tension in me - this semester has been a stepping out of "church is my CCA" phase in my life and into a "canoe polo is the thing for me" attitude.
I know the model Godly answer: Souls are the eternal rewards in the Kingdom of Heaven.
hey, i TOTALLY believe that. yes! but you know, canoe polo is so me-ish, with the capital M.

then i have the LOUD selfish voice going: eh i got exams i got no time and hello, i cmi anw. like how on earth do i know how to take care of young believers?

and i vividly remembered that evening 4th service that i went - when God promised a season, a new season of productivity to me. I was so excited. now it feels like I am getting a CA results and I think I am going to fail badly. :( how?!?!?!!:(

Attitude
nah, i where got attitude... i always try to smile and be nice.
yah rite.
in church lah, more than other places..then again, I think I am no longer living as much a double life anymore. cos my attitude is bad everywhere.
think I have been super task oriented. super focus on Me Myself and I.
that I have neglected my fellow pharmers...and even aunty joanne says I am very fierce. I thought it was just I forgot to smile, i thought no lah, I'm growing up.. u expect me to always be xiao xiao and bump around to tell u things meh. I only tell u seriously, never joke like that xiao xiao used to what...

today, i really think i got an attitude problem
not that i never had
but i think since i became a Christian, its the first time its never improved, but deproved instead.
ahhhh. i think im so angry about some stuff. i just don't know where to start. and the superficial things are not the true reason. maybe even me myself don't know what.

i need to settle this before the tackle the next:

Church Work

all the library and the glass cleaning and stuff.
i have not been touching them.
and i am going to work on them
clear all the useless paper work i have stacked up over 2007 period i have been working there, up to the beginning of this semester.
time to set things in order. get those skeletons out of the closet and sweep away the dust.

for one i am determined to only have an in tray & not a separate stack of paper work accredited to me who isn't there to clear it up.

glass cleaning, logistics, i need to set things right.
i need to set myself right before I can even set others right.
wisdom needed. James 1:5 :)

i don't think anybody would have survived that, it's just for me to pen down some thoughts.
and many ppl won't be able to understand all the parts.
either u understand some or none but not all.
anyway, u probably have just scrolled down here to read the conclusions or something..
whatever it is.

my traditional post examinations ritual: PACK MY ROOM.
going to sleep and starting the age-old ritual in the morning.
loves:)